Current mood:
anxious well, good fucking morning to you!!!!
so that was what i got this morning at 8am. i was going to write about how much more grounded, solidly i feel that my marriage is over. after having a weekend with just the kids, and a visit from this new love, have reinforced my willingness to move forward. how even though i've been trying to go through the motions, that it is really over and i can't fake it for one more minute. that i am going to muster everything i have to make it a nice christmas but after that, i'm on my way. i was going to write about how much i need to step away from mark, start fresh, find a career, move in the right direction. and i suppose all of those things are very true, still very pertinent but have been overshadowed by his loathsome, hateful words. and these are just a few of the many, many lashings he gave me this morning.
i wasn't careful enough covering my tracks this weekend. i really wasn't careful at all. i suppose i didn't want to be. i wanted him to find out. not consciously but i wanted mark to put his foot down and say enough is enough. you hear that people do it. leave out evidence or the like not knowing that they will get caught but subconsciously wanting to be found out. i'm just sorry it ended up with him hating me, thinking that i'm some brazen hussy who wants him to finance my affair. he told me this morning that i "want to have my cake and eat it too". ha, how right he was (see previous blog about such).
he found out that i took him out to dinner on saturday night and then had him over to our house, in our bed, overnight. he found out because i told him i went to dinner, etc. with girlfriends and he just knew it wasn't the truth so he checked up on me. went behind me and did some research. can't be mad at him for being smart, just mad at myself for getting caught the way that i did.
well, needless to say, mark went bananas. and now i find myself holding what's left of my self esteem in a steaming pile next to me. he has calmed down but is still incredibly angry and hurt, and rightfully so. the guilt, humiliation and self hatred are enormous. i feel like the worst, more deplorable person. i not only cheated on my husband, which was just an outward sign of what had been done years and years ago. but then i couldn't say goodbye to him. i fell in love. hard. real. fully in love. and i brought him back here. to a house that my husband pays for with his hard work. damn, i look like such a heartless, cold bitch and i don't blame him for saying nasty things to me. i'm ashamed and it fucking sucks ass!
i stay here and take care of the kids but honestly don't have a cent to my name. and i don't have a career or formal education to fall back on. granted i've talked about all the ways that i do have a support system but it has come down to this. me. just me. moving out. moving on. finding a job. still being a good mom but standing on my own two feet. i'm about to leave this cushy lifestyle behind, go back to a life pre-mark and start over. start all over. in some ways it feels like starting over from scratch. in other ways, it feels right in the most peculiar, uncomfortable way. very strange indeed.
it won't be an easy road, i've known that from the start. it's just that now the road is most certainly being paved by me and my actions. and it's time for that trust in myself, not in doing the "right" thing but in doing the right thing for me, that instinctive guttural self preservation to kick into full gear.
for now, i am treading water. trying to keep my head above so i don't sink to the bottom. i'll continue treading as long as i have to. i'm a pretty tough cookie but even this one has me rattled.
on to plan b.......whatever that is?
No comments:
Post a Comment