august 11

August 11, 2009 - Tuesday 

one day i woke up this morning and it was another day. when i went to bed last night, i wasn't sure what a new day would hold. well, it's a fairly ordinary tuesday. the usual. breakfast, hang with the kids, watch a cute movie, abby reads, ben plays, they color some more, want a snack. all the while i sit. i mull things over. i think. i let me mind wander and it's wandering outside of it's normal boundaries. i'm starting to believe i don't have any boundaries anymore. unfortunately that pit in the bottom of my stomach has not ceased entirely. it feels more tolerable but it's still there. he wants to make it work. and i just don't know if i wants to. i don't know if it will ever work with him. he is not what i need. not now and i don't think he ever will be. how sad that this road has taken a twist in this way. but that's why it's a road. i need time. i need time to heal what has happened. i need time to reassure mark that this is for the best. i have to play along for now and go on a vacation that will be more work. not exactly what i would call a vacation but my kids deserve it. they deserve the normalcy, they deserve to have us both there, coexisting if even only for their benefit. i have to do it for them, not for me. my heart will be in two places. with my children and somewhere far off in a garage somewhere. it's just that my life has taken a drastic turn. it takes me back to my weddings vows. they were traditional and bring about a whole different frame of mind now. for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer. who's to say whether all of this will be for better or worse, if i'll be more sick than i already am or if new light will be breathed into me, will i be richer in life but poorer in monetary gains. who's to say. this is certainly an eye opening experience and i'm simply trying to do it one day. one day. if i can do it one day then maybe i can do it the next. only time will tell.