let's make a deal!

i can't recall that i ever watched the game show aptly titled "let's make a deal". i do remember it being on tv when i was a kid but can't put my finger on a specific memory that involved watching an episode. i was too busy watching "the gong show" and "hong kong fooey" to be bothered. my brother even appeared on an episode once when he was 3. he was called from the audience along with my dad and wanted to trade something for a matchbox car. when asked what he had to "make a deal", he pulled out a kleenex. the kid had nothing but a kleenex but was still ready to barter. now that takes some balls. he was walking away with that matchbox car no matter what and sure enough, that's precisely what happened.

i kind of feel like all i have is a kleenex in my pocket. the difference is that i'm not some cute 3 year old who can get away with a sympathy gift. nobody will give me the matchbox car just because i'm cute. i have to turn my kleenex into something more desirable with which to barter. instead i'm a grown woman with a number of things weighing heavily against her. no job, no money of my own, well, the list is long. on the other hand, i have lots of great things going for me but the logistical deal making is difficult and i have to navigate it carefully.

i do think that i made some progress today, although slow, it's still something. went to see the therapist and took hubs with me. we talked about trying to come up with a "plan" of attack to get one of us out of the house. i need space. no doubt about it. he doesn't want the space. no doubt about it.

so we were at a standstill until today. and although his resistance has been a constant distraction, i'm really proud of the fact that i'm sticking to my guns and continuing to push for this much needed separation (giving myself a big pat on the back). my biggest fear is that we won't do it in enough time to contain the "damage" it is and will do to the kids. i know it will happen one way or the other. the kids will not be happy that our family is splitting but i'm also confident that it's the best thing. i just want to do it as amicably and quickly as possible so we are all on the same page, whether we like it or not. i'm willing to compromise.

i have presented many possible scenarios to mark and all of them have been ill received. then again, i could give him a plan that involved me winning the lottery and supporting his ass and he would still find something wrong with it. but i digress....we have come to some sort of deal today and i have to be happy with it for now. we will be working out a schedule so that each of us spend certain nights away from our house and the kids. when i am the sole parent, mark will stay with his sister. says he will be too lonely having an apartment or other place alone. i can understand and respect that. when mark is the sole parent, i will leave. but that's where it gets complicated. i will likely stay with my parents for a while but long term won't work. they are good people, want what's best for me but i fear that they will try and "interrupt" or become involved with the process. i don't need this to be any more complicated than it is already.

now i have to figure out what's next for me. i need time alone to be myself. not lonely, just alone. rediscover what it's like to be myself, my likes and dislikes, what i want in the long run, map things out for my future, really dissect what is about to happen. i will have to look for a place to live. a small one bedroom apartment, cheap, easy, but all mine. i don't just crave it, i need it.

so with my trusty kleenex in hand, i will do some finagling of my own. i will attempt to make a deal. i will take that tissue and somehow convince mark that it's worth the additional living expenses that will be incurred. that it's a kleenex unlike any other. that this kleenex is equal to my freedom. this could be one hell of a tough deal to sell but if my brother can do it, so can i.

wish me luck.