september 18

September 18, 2009 - Friday 

honey nut cheerios, cigarettes and coffee ............ food. i fucking hate food. i understand the concept of food being our fuel, a necessary part of being a functioning human being. our bodies and minds need it to sustain us. the right nutrients, the right balance of foods, it all helps build a strong, healthy body and mind, rich and ready to take on life. i get it. but to me, food is something entirely different. it's a crutch. it's a necessary evil. it's my best friend and my worst enemy. i use it for everything. i use it for instant gratification, emotionally numbing myself to the pleasures or lack thereof in my life. i use it to mask things, everything. pain, joy, fullness, expression, anger, hate, resentment....hell, you name it, i use food in some way to take it's place. i'm afraid to feel. that feeling whatever it is will be so overwhelming, whether good or bad, that i just won't be able to handle it. that i'm incapable of even the simplest emotions. i've struggled my entire life with this "disease". people call it an eating disorder but it's a fucking disease masquerading as something easier on the ears. as if by calling it a disorder, it is something that can be put back into order. i don’t think my eating has ever been out of order but it has certainly been diseased. .. .. i could blog about my issues with food everyday, all day. it’s that deep of a hole. just keep digging and digging and you find more. something that should give me nourishment but instead sucks me dry. crazy, huh? think it’s time to write down some of the crazier diets/binges i have tortured myself with over the years. here's one of my favorites. .. .. the honey nut cheerios, cigarettes and coffee diet…moved into the dorms, was carrying a whopping 105lbs which was the heaviest weight i had ever been. felt huge at 105 on my 5ft. 5in. frame. the diet went as follows: i would eat a bowl consisting of precisely 1 ½ cups of cereal to 3 tbsp. of milk. I would indulge in cereal with milk in the morning and then again at lunch. In between would be cigarettes and a shitload of coffee. but dinner had a whole different level of crazy. i would rationalize that if i had cereal again with milk, it would be too many calories. instead i would eat the cereal without liquid or would actually pour the coffee on the cereal. i was essentially starving my body of what it needed. i refused to nourish this vessel that i felt wasn't worthy of anything other than crappy old honey nut cheerios. sometimes I couldn’t even justify the cereal and would drink coffee, water, chew on ice chips, anything to just not eat. i would go out and drink, party, lots of different shenanigans after the sun went down. if I drank too much that night or, god forbid, became indulgent with food, i would come home and throw it up. i was down to 95lbs. in no time and still felt fat. but it soon caught up with me. i ate so many honey nut cheerios that I began smelling like them. my hair started falling out a little at a time. my skin became ashy and dry and my pee. well, my pee was honey nut cheerios in concentrated form. the whole diet lasted around 2 months and then i finally gave up for the next diet/binge/diet circle once again. haven’t had honey nut cheerios since and probably never will again.  .. .. fuck, did i mention i hate food?