october 12

October 12, 2009 - Monday 

intuition i've got that funny feeling. and no, not the good kind. the one where you know there is danger lurking behind the corner but you aren't sure what you'll find. i'm reminded of booby traps in movies. raiders of the lost ark style. better yet, the goonies. booby traps. catch you by surprise because even if you have a trained eye, you miss them on occasion and there isn't a damned thing you can do about it. sucks. the past week has been emotional for me. celebrated a birthday and again i haven't reached this unrealistic goal in my head of what and who i should be. it's stupid and i'm not sure what the "goal" is but i'm pretty sure i pictured myself being a wee bit healthier and happier. then i was confronted with some of my strongest demons in the form of an unexpected and very unwelcome message. still really pissed off at that fucker for sucking the fun out of my birthday. i got to feel the arms of a beautiful man that i love so deeply it's as if he belongs to me alone. as a bonus, i got to eat french toast and laugh with him. finally, i traveled to one of my favorite southern towns, savannah, and relived the nuances, the architecture and the thick river air. but there is something under the surface. something that puts a knot in my throat. now i don't know how other people respond to intuition, gut instinct, listening to your heart. but i'm generally pretty well tuned to how i feel and why. instead, this one has me stumped. i have to start another week and although i feel like life is moving along comfortably, tolerably, i am acutely aware that this is not what i want. i dread getting into my bed tonight because i know that i've never felt safe there. i find great pain in the idea of having to get up and go tomorrow, put a fake fucking smile on my face just to keep things steady for everyone around me. i hate the fact that the man who comes home to me at night isn't the one i want to invest in, believe in, love. it's the uncertainty, the future, what happens next. how do i move on, move through, and still be okay in the end. so i give up. waving the white flag and i'm done. i'm just going to stop trying to control everything, let fate take it's course, listen closely to the vibrations in the railroad tracks and hope that i hear the train coming before it's too late.