august 2

August 2, 2009 - Sunday 

wants vs. needs vs. wants had another weird dream last night. this one had a specific date involved. august 19th. there's nothing significant in my life that day so i'm not sure what to make of it. suppose i'll see if there's any real purpose behind it when i get there but it has me thinking. also dreamed that i was at the club at the pool one night. i was there with mark at some sort of snooty party. i had on a sundress and i was thin so i know it was a dream. i rarely dream of myself as thin. i generally dream in "real time" so this one has me curious. we drank, talked to random people and then it was time to get into swimsuits to go swimming. not something we would normally do at a party like this but it was a requirement. mark goes in to get changed. i'm talking to random people and suddenly the police are there taking mark away. turns out he went into the ladies dressing room and changed. didn't touch anyone, didn't look at naked women, just changed. but you can't do things like that at a country club. it's forbidden. everything's forbidden. it's really no fun at all. eventually he is tried and convicted by the board of directors and outcast from the club. i stand by and watch and get really angry because he's a good guy. i stand up for him and tell everyone to leave him alone. like a momma cub. i'm protective, i'm primal and i'm fucking angry. really, really angry. the dream threw me for a loop.....three reasons....there's a date, i'm thin and i'm angry because someone is attacking mark. mind you, all of them are not necessarily bad but it's the angry and defensive part that is weighing heavily on me. what does that mean? where has it come from? is it born of guilt, apathy, defense of my life, loss of my life, letting go. it's somewhere in there. i can feel it. just have to pull it up and shake this rug out. but today i'm just happy. back to being just happy. it's so strange to feel so good all the time these days. i mean, i feel like someone woke me up from a very wicked dream and i'm just now getting my direction straight. still feel in a bit of a fog from friday night but i'm just taking deep breaths. deep, slow, calculated breaths and i know that i'll be alright. off to enjoy my sunday with my family. ben is an absolute love today and just keep coming up and giving momma kisses and telling me he loves me. abby wanders looking for something to do. she is easily bored. just like me. she does love her books right now. i'm amazed at how much harry potter the child has ready. she's just 8 and can whiz through these books and comprehend them and their undertones. she gets it and i love that i have two beautiful, smart children. shit, they did get the best parts of me. i know they got some of the worst too but man, they are incredible little creatures. can't wait to see them grow up and pray that they still like me.