september 30

September 30, 2009 - Wednesday 

cake have your cake and eat it too......hmmmm. used the term loosely today but not as loosely as i originally thought. in fact, i was dead on in the use and its meaning. ah wikipedia, how i love thee. To have one's cake and eat it too is a popular English idiomatic proverb or figure of speech, sometimes stated as eat one's cake and have it too or simply have one's cake and eat it. It is most often used negatively, meaning an individual consuming, exhausting, taking advantage of or using up a particular thing and, then, after that thing is gone or no longer reasonably available, still attempting to benefit from or use it. It may also indicate having or wanting more than one can handle or deserve, or trying to have two incompatible things. The proverb's meaning is similar to the phrases, "you can't have it both ways" and "you can't have the best of both worlds." As an example, an individual who is engaged to marry someone but is still dating others romantically would be said to be having one's cake and eating it too. so the big question is, how can i have my cake and eat it too? that's what i want after all. i want the stability, continuity of my life but the love and devotion of another. i truly want an enormous amount. it's pure selfishness. it's a little disconcerting to tell the truth. on one side of the fence i have a stable, although unsatisfactory, life inside these suburban walls with two kids, the bungalow, big yard, a few pets, steady paycheck...although not my own. the hubs provides everything that anyone could ever need. no worries. no responsibilities outside of being a mom, wife and general family manager. i don't have to work. don't really want to have to go to an office from 9 to 5. you could say, i've got it better than most people. on the other side of the coin i have, simply put, love. a love affair that is wonderful, calming, fulfilling. he gives me what no one else has been able to. he gives me the calm quiet that i've never felt before but have longed to find in my otherwise bustling personality. i'm on fire, always on the go, but he has this way of taking that down a notch, so i can breath and feel safe. don't know that i've ever breathed so easily in my life. but with him, it's so organic, natural, free. he's smart, funny, driven, honest...well, the list goes on and on. he's everything i want. but he doesn't need an instant family, or want one. i would never expect that from him anyway. mark is a fantastic dad, just not a great husband. he's simply in a place that is temporary, where his entire life is put on hold. heck, i know he hates this town and finds little joy here. i get a gut feeling that his place here in this town is temporary, that he will eventually move away and begin another adventure. i am, in essence, the last thing this man should have on his plate. but he isn't scared and he isn't backing away. instead he willingly stays. he willingly loves me and wants me in his life. it's really quite amazing the amount of himself that he gives me so freely. so how do i straddle these two existences? i feel like i need both of them to be happy but these two men, they are like comparing apples to oranges. i have to have the husband for now. i don't have any other choice. i have made decisions that can't be undone right now. one day, maybe, but now. no way. but in the same respect, i can't leave this love behind. i can't make it just a memory when it's something that i don't want to lose. i won't lose. one day, maybe. but now. no way. so mark, he is the cake. yellow with lots of butter and flour and eggs. very balanced ingredients to make it rise. it's fairly moist but lacks something to make it satisfying all on it's own. but this man, he's that yummy frosting holding all of the layers together. his frosting, it's and smooth, sweet, creamy. it melts in my mouth and stays there for a while. i can taste the butter and the cream and it's rich and intoxicating. i want to eat it slowly and savor every last bite. so if i get it figured out, if i solve the proverbial, age old question, i'll let you know. for now i'm going to enjoy my cake while i still have it. taking the smallest bites i can muster even though i want to devour the entire piece in one mouthful. especially that yummy frosting. i taste a hint of pabst blue ribbon in there somewhere. now i don't remember that being part of the recipe?