august 18

August 18, 2009 - Tuesday 

the yearning how do i begin to describe the last few days of my life. suppose it goes back to friday afternoon. kids go to a friends house for a playdate. i had thought over all the things i needed to do to get ready for the trip to the beach. the grocery shopping, laundry, packing toys, games, activities for the kids. the list is a mile long. but something wasn't sitting well with me. well, hell, not a fucking thing was sitting well with me. i didn't want to go with mark at all. instead i wanted to be at home, where i felt accepted and loved. i was yearning, longing for companionship, for another's love but i couldn't have it. not friday, not tomorrow or even the next day. i simply can't have it and feel, somedays, like i never will. so with this enormous plate i did what any other psychopathic mother of two would do...i got new ink. walked in, sat down, talked to the boys in the shop. they liked my idea and sketch, bent me over a chair, drew on my ass and the rest is history. i now have a beautiful buttercup surrounded by vines. what does it mean? hmmm....it is a two tiered flower made up of mostly yellow and orange hues. it's petals are delicate yet it's a hearty flower. it represents so much, things i'm not even sure of but for me they include my two beautiful children, my determination, vulnerability, desire, love for a sweet prince that i hope and pray feels the same. so is it about a man, yes, is it about me, yes, is it a representation of my past and present, absofuckinglutely. is it a representation of things to come, who is to say. but it's done. it's there. it's a buttercup. simple, beautiful, delicate, deep and rich with color and alive with a natural beauty i strive to achieve. as for my trip to the beach, it's not something i can easily describe. i am filled with anger, joy, laughter watching my two funny bunnies play with each other, making those incredible childhood memories that we all hold dear. i continue to sit here trying my best to soak it in, to become reconnected to a man i don't know i ever was connected to. at least on the level i wanted. not on my terms. i'm tired of living by everyone elses terms. i did have a strange dream about the date of august 19th. it was a significant date in a recent dream and i just realized, as i was typing, that is today. today is the day. don't know what it holds for me but it's here. today. august 19th. and today, just like yesterday and the day before and the day before, i sit here. i yearn. i desire. i ache. i question. i take one more breath and pray like i've never prayed before. pray for a fucking answer. pray for some fucking enlightenment. pray for happiness.....i yearn for more and finally, after all this time, i finally believe that i deserve more. so much more. i deserve to be a buttercup.....