august 8

August 8, 2009 - Saturday 

i am not fine i'm anything but fine. my life is being turned upside down, insides out, guts all over the floor, puking, violent fits of chaos and sadness and anger and joy and fear. lots and lots and lots of fear. damn i wish i could just write it all out and have it be some eloquent, incredibly, mind blowing emtional rant but it's just me. nothing fancy. just me. have to be happy with that. i feel desperate, alone, enraged, ugly, disgusted, completely and utterly helpless. i feel like i have no control. my options of making a better life for myself have been frozen. frozen. frozen by fear. frozen by loss. i was so desperate i called my mother. told her, and she already knew, that my marriage was failing miserably. i got up the courage to tell mark last night that i am just unhappy and unfulfilled. again, no response from him. coldness. stark, ugly, cold and lacking any emotion. how is that even possible? not because he is suppose to love me in a certain way. not because he is my husband and the expectation is that he should love me unconditionally. it's even worse than that. just that if you are with someone and they come to you and say "i'm not happy" and then they come back and say it again, most people, whether they are in love with you or not, just want you to be happy. it's a human nature, natural instinct sort of thing. what kind of a person doesn't want you to be happy.... it actually makes me feel really sorry for him. that he can't see. chooses not to see the strong person that i am. he has made me doubt myself for far too long. i think he looks at me as someone who is weak, instable, unable. but he's so fucking wrong. he doesn't get it at all. i survive. i always survive. i survived a childhood filled with doubts about whether i was good enough, thin enough, smart enough. i survived bad relationships, heartbreak. i survived having children. these beautiful, scary little people that are now my responsibility...forever. i survived a nasty fucking beating by a man who could have killed me, he split me wide open, he marred me, he took away so much of me physically and psychologically but i'm still here. i'm still underneath all the nasty scars and memories and violence. i'm still here. and no one, ever, is going to make me file like anything less than right here right now. i not only want to be loved but i need to be loved. for exactly who i am, scared, stretch marked, beautiful on the inside, good soul, big heart, filled with love and passion and life. angry, sad, doesn't matter the mood. i want to be loved for it. why is that so hard to find? i am not fine...not fine at all.