august 28

August 28, 2009 - Friday 

what does chasing rainbows mean anyway? Current mood:  pissed off have you ever told someone that they "chase rainbows"? i have never even used the term before but i'm familiar with it. well, mark told me a couple of weeks ago that he feels like i'm always chasing rainbows and made it sound very negative. so i've been stewing over it and was reminded by laura today that i need to look it up and see just what it means. so i did.... it can be interpreted several different ways but generally, upon using my trusty dictionary skills.......seriously folks, get a dictionary. anyway, people use it to describing someone tending to look for something (more) exciting and (more) rewarding but without realistic expectations. often used in describing politicians who are constantly working toward a reform that is implausible. what the FUCK!!!! so essentially, if mark used the phrase in the proper context, which i fully believe that he did, he said that i am unrealistic in wanting more. i have unrealistic expectations of life. that i am looking for something more rewarding and exciting but unattainable. well, FUCK YOU MARK! yep. i'm a god damn, free wheelin, mother fuckin rainbow chaser. damn him and his flat imagination. his demeanor of "this is reality, erin. you are being ridiculous. you get what you get and should be thankful for just that" no matter how undeniably unfulfilling. suck my dick you stupid fuck! you know, i was mad at the statement in the first place even though i truly didn't grasp it at the time. emotions were high. here i was in my therapists office with my husband whom i truly didn't feel i could be married to anymore because he doesn't "get me" and he pulls out this shit. this fucking....well, sue, i believe that erin just chases rainbows all the time.... you know as angry as i am that he had the nerve to say it to me as if it were a negative, i say so what. so i'm a rainbow chaser. so i want to be fulfilled and perhaps that's a goal i will never reach. but i want something. there's a passion. a burning. a desire to continue going. perhaps it's not realistic. perhaps it will never be exciting enough. perhaps i will never be rewarded with the pot of gold. but i'm gonna fucking try my best. i'm going to put on my shoes, pack a lunch and start the trek. but here's the thing. i'm tired of being weighed down by his negative, fucking bullshit. that stupid fuck. i feel like waking him up right now and telling him how i feel about his arrogant, know it all persona. he's just such a little person sometimes and i'm fucking pissed. but even if i woke him up and told him, he wouldn't get it. he just doesn't get it at all. he doesn't get who i am. i think i'll just acccidentally roll over in bed and have a bad dream where my legs suddenly jump out and kick that fucking rainbow hater in the nut sack. that might make me feel a little better. i'll end it with another favorite quote......it probably one of my favorite from an incredible lover of life. Life is a series of collisions with the future; it is not the sum of what we have been, but what we yearn to be. Jose Ortega y Gasset