november 5

November 5, 2009 - Thursday 

head shrinking at it's finest Current mood:  thankful head shrinking. therapy. counseling. call it what you will but i'm a big believer and i love it. seeing my head shrinker on a regular basis is a highlight in my week. it hasn’t always been that way. i’ve been through my share of "couches" in my time and this is the only one that is super comfy, feels like home. now if she just served beer it would be perfect! she's truly one of the coolest chicks i have ever known. seriously. she's more of a friend with some really good medical experience in her back pocket. i got lucky finding sue. she’s super laid back, often times kicks off her shoes and sits criss crossed in her chair, doesn’t play silly head games like most therapists...none of that bullshit "so how does that make you feel"... and she says the word fuck when needed. yep, she’s killer. her opinion of my recent decision making means a lot to me for a couple of reasons. first because the woman knows me better than any one individual has ever known me. i can say anything, and i mean anything, to her and there is not even a minuscule of judgment. i have been seeing her for several years now. she is the one person that I clicked with immediately. the woman bares her soul to me on a regular basis, relates easily to me, opens up to me as i open up to her. if you’ve ever been on the couch with a psychologist, you know how hard this is to find. second reason may seem minor but it's important to me. she has met my husband. she knows the history of our marriage. she has seen first hand the cold, unemotional person i live with but she has also seen him hurt, drained and upset about the dissolution. she sees in him the same things i see in him.  that emptiness. it’s nice to have someone else tell me that i’m right. that it’s not all in my head. that this marriage isn't going anywhere. what seals the deal with sue is her compassion, her genuine interest in helping you see your potential, who you can be, who you are, where you’ve been and how to keep moving. i remember going into her office with mark in august when he first found out of my infidelity. we sat there, the three of us, talking things out. lots of tears, lots of anger, hurt, resentment but it was that day, on that couch in her office, when i told mark that i didn't think we could be married anymore. i got loads off my chest that day and it was the beginning of opening up all the things i've repressed for so long. but here’s the amazing thing. i left her office, in tears, a wreck, and she called me. she called me just to make sure i was okay but more importantly she called me to say that she was proud. that she was proud of me for making a decision, standing up for myself and telling mark that this marriage wasn't working. she had heard it all before but she never expected me to tell him. not that she didn't think i could do it, but that she didn't know i was ready. today i had my weekly session with her. we talked about the logistical set of issues that are rising to the surface and she was a huge help. helping me sort out in my head the next step, listening as I poured out just how fucking scared I am, reassuring me that things will work out. but the thing she said time and time again was that she was proud of me. she was proud of me for doing what needed to be done, even though it wasn't easy. now that, that is what makes her so different, so special, such a great grounding place for me. today i'm especially thankful for her guidance and her spirit. and i still think it's cool that she doesn't always wear her shoes around the office. i give her mad props for that alone.