meet sybil

november 16

mood: exhausted

different personalities pop up out of nowhere. each unique, each dangerous, each potent, powerful and each one serves her very own purpose. the problem is, you don't know which one you will get. hell, even i don't know which one will rear it's ugly head or when! it's really the luck of the draw these days.

for instance...today i woke up feeling despondent, detached. i didn't want to have anything to do with anyone. about an hour later i became angry with photoshop because it simply wouldn't cooperate with me, irrationally angry mind you. then i showered and cried. nothing set me off. just cried like a little girl. then i became frustrated, annoyed with everyone and everything around me. following that i was very happy, thinking of all the ways i was so blessed in life. then suddenly i was a weeping mess again. after that came desperation, fear, depression, feeling alone and misunderstood. then i was sexual aroused by a very interesting proposition. that always puts me in a pretty good fucking mood. especially considering the source of excitement.

where was i again? oh yeah, then i was in hysterical, belly aching laughter about something but can't remember for the life of me what it was. then came the felling of being loved and being perfectly accepted just the way i am, followed again by more anger, frustration, confusion, a trip to my mother's house which let to a possible trip to the nutty farm in between the hurt, the quiet and finally the exhaustion.

true honest to goodness exhaustion. physically i look and feel like shit. seriously, i've looked "rough" before, but this may be a new low. i don't sleep which makes for a very, very tired body and mind. emotionally i have no idea how to feel. there's just too much of it. it floods me. pulls me every which way. and spiritually i feel lost one moment on a journey i don't find comfortable. it's far too unfamiliar and dangerous. yet the next thing i know i'm skipping down a path that feels in every way a perfect fit. grounded and real. like i can sink my toes into the earth and stay there.

i have to decipher the right from wrong, my voice out of all the others. i have to figure out how to dig myself up, listen and just follow the sound. it's far harder than it seems. the worst part is that i know, i just fucking know, it is only the beginning of harder things to come. better find myself quickly or i'll be overrun with crazy women, and not the good kind.