october 8

October 8, 2009 - Thursday 

thirty seven ah, yes. the birthday has arrived. i was born at exactly 11:30pm on october 8th and my mother reminds me every year that i only have 30 minutes of an actually birthday. i always hate it when she tells me that. makes me want to draw it out for even longer. i loved birthdays when i was younger. the gifts, the attention, the extra love, the balloons. and the fucking cupcakes. i still prefer cupcakes on my birthday to cake. not really sure the reason since they are little cakes themselves but perhaps it's because it makes me feel like a kid again. my first significant adult birthday was hell. i was raped just a few months before my 21st birthday. talk about a serious buzz kill. needless to say, i wasn't in the most jovial mood. however, i did proceed to get wasted on river street during octoberfest in hopes that i would enjoy my birthday. woke up a couple of days later feeling closer to 40 than 21. yeah, that didn't work so well. at 25 i was living with mark. we had been dating for about a year and a half and we lived together at the time. i found out the day before my birthday that i was pregnant. wasn't even engaged and mark wasn't ready for a family. so i rang in my birthday thinking of an impending abortion that would happen later in the month. that was one fucked up halloween. wow! my 30th was interesting. i was now a mom. had a little party, bought a great black dress, got wasted with my friends and their significant others and someone took a photo of me with chopsticks up my nose. there is also another floating around where i'm flashing our waiter...in a very upscale restaurant mind you. yep, another stellar celebration that was slept off the following day. 35 was a really nice, laid back birthday. i was now mom to two fantastic children. my parents took me, mark and my brother out to a lovely restaurant. it was beautiful and the food was outstanding. i drank great wine, had even better food. and my father ordered dom perignon to compliment a special dessert he had made just for me....cupcakes :) it was nice. so here i am at 37. things are very different this year. my life is in a state of movement. some days i wake up and i'm not sure who i am or how i got here. all i know is that i'm awake. finally, awake. i have these beautiful, shining faces each morning to greet me. they are my greatest loves and fuel my desire for something more. i have two feet that still carry me and a body that still works properly....the majority of the time. i can hold my head up high knowing that somehow i'll figure things out. i have strength and determination. i have no idea what's behind the next door but i feel alive for the first time in years. like a real woman, capable of being happy and being loved. and i am loved. in a way i never thought possible. this year is different. this year i have hope. i look forward to seeing how 37 unfolds. so far, it's looking like a hell of a good time! happy birthday to me. me and my ladies...l to r - other erin, me, sheila & nikki!