Current mood:
contemplative i've been told many times over the last few weeks that i have everything i need within myself. everything i could ever need right here at my disposal. that things are not as grim and desperate as they often seem.
but i don't see it. i never see the good that other people in my life see. there is always a "flaw" at the heart of things and that flawed element is me. however, i've been trying really hard to see myself the way others do. to put aside my skewed sense of self and see below the surface. to what others find good, beautiful, funny, sexy, loved.
it had me thinking about my support system, my skill set, my ability to shift and transform, how i can navigate this trench carefully. so i decided to take inventory. look at the bigger picture involved.
for starters, i have so many wonderful people in my life. friends who support me no matter the issue. i rely on my really good friends to help me decipher the way i feel and the rational that is often missing from some of my decisions. they are all incredibly unique and simple people. and i have many the acquaintance. i don't know a stranger in this town and if i do, it won't be for long. so i have a long list of connections and back doors on which to call.
i am fortunate to have a tightly knit family. my mother and father are really good human beings. the fact that my mother and i don't see eye to eye on the dissolution of my marriage to mark doesn't make me love her any less. i just have to be very selective with the information that is shared. my brother is a fucking nut, borderline personality, alcoholic, bipolar, suffers with severe crohns disease and is a general loony tune. however, he is by my side no matter....just not ever sure which "identity" will show up. makes for interesting holidays to say the least.
employment is something i'm simply not that worried about anymore. i have been offered a tentative position as a preschool teacher starting in july. i loved being a teacher last year and was hoping this proposition would come to fruition. somewhat disturbing to think my foul mouth helps shapes little minds but i leave my raw behavior for adults only. it's a part time preschool, educational, not daycare, and i would be working during the same times as my children are in school. leaves me time to spend with my kids after school, work on whatever art form speaks to me. super stoked. so i have employment, if everything goes according to plan, starting late summer.
my creative endeavors have been spanning out as well. i've had some interest from friends as well as friends of friends to do some photography for them. i also have the option of setting up at local art festivals with some of my creative endeavors, of which there are many. my folks are super supportive and are willing to help me get my shit together so i can pursue my creative calling. i've pushed it to the back for far too long.
as if that weren't enough, i have a wonderful man by my side who believes in me completely. he loves me right now, right this minute, and that's all i need. don't know what the future might hold with him but i'm enjoying it right now. feels good to be loved.
essentially, i am convinced, although skeptical, that things are going to be okay. in fact, they may be better than okay. sounds to me like things are moving right along. there's a plan, a schedule in place with mark, the kids are adjusting well to having just one parent around at a time, i have temporary residence at my folks house a couple of nights a week.
all in all, i'm starting to see what other people see. i like what i see when i look in the mirror. not the outside appearance, mind you, but the inside stuff. the gooey middle that is me. i feel pretty fucking good in my skin.
i feel like i'm ready. i'm really fucking ready.
*latest self portrait 11/17/09*
but i don't see it. i never see the good that other people in my life see. there is always a "flaw" at the heart of things and that flawed element is me. however, i've been trying really hard to see myself the way others do. to put aside my skewed sense of self and see below the surface. to what others find good, beautiful, funny, sexy, loved.
it had me thinking about my support system, my skill set, my ability to shift and transform, how i can navigate this trench carefully. so i decided to take inventory. look at the bigger picture involved.
for starters, i have so many wonderful people in my life. friends who support me no matter the issue. i rely on my really good friends to help me decipher the way i feel and the rational that is often missing from some of my decisions. they are all incredibly unique and simple people. and i have many the acquaintance. i don't know a stranger in this town and if i do, it won't be for long. so i have a long list of connections and back doors on which to call.
i am fortunate to have a tightly knit family. my mother and father are really good human beings. the fact that my mother and i don't see eye to eye on the dissolution of my marriage to mark doesn't make me love her any less. i just have to be very selective with the information that is shared. my brother is a fucking nut, borderline personality, alcoholic, bipolar, suffers with severe crohns disease and is a general loony tune. however, he is by my side no matter....just not ever sure which "identity" will show up. makes for interesting holidays to say the least.
employment is something i'm simply not that worried about anymore. i have been offered a tentative position as a preschool teacher starting in july. i loved being a teacher last year and was hoping this proposition would come to fruition. somewhat disturbing to think my foul mouth helps shapes little minds but i leave my raw behavior for adults only. it's a part time preschool, educational, not daycare, and i would be working during the same times as my children are in school. leaves me time to spend with my kids after school, work on whatever art form speaks to me. super stoked. so i have employment, if everything goes according to plan, starting late summer.
my creative endeavors have been spanning out as well. i've had some interest from friends as well as friends of friends to do some photography for them. i also have the option of setting up at local art festivals with some of my creative endeavors, of which there are many. my folks are super supportive and are willing to help me get my shit together so i can pursue my creative calling. i've pushed it to the back for far too long.
as if that weren't enough, i have a wonderful man by my side who believes in me completely. he loves me right now, right this minute, and that's all i need. don't know what the future might hold with him but i'm enjoying it right now. feels good to be loved.
essentially, i am convinced, although skeptical, that things are going to be okay. in fact, they may be better than okay. sounds to me like things are moving right along. there's a plan, a schedule in place with mark, the kids are adjusting well to having just one parent around at a time, i have temporary residence at my folks house a couple of nights a week.
all in all, i'm starting to see what other people see. i like what i see when i look in the mirror. not the outside appearance, mind you, but the inside stuff. the gooey middle that is me. i feel pretty fucking good in my skin.
i feel like i'm ready. i'm really fucking ready.
*latest self portrait 11/17/09*
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