november 1

November 1, 2009 - Sunday 

remodeling Current mood:  impervious life has a funny way of clearing things out of the way, cleaning house so to speak. in the same way that we take it upon ourselves to do spring cleaning, repaint that bedroom that has never been just the right color (i'm still working on that one) or simply deciding to kick a habit, lose weight, change it up. whatever it is, you clear it away. toss it out and move on. well, i think that life works that way on it's own. because no matter how hard we try and hold onto relics, everyday life has a funny way of clearing the clutter. getting rid of the things that hold us back. what makes me think of it is this strange phenomenon that seems to be going on with me. i become bogged down, worried about the future, and rightfully so. hell, i'm about to give up on my marriage and break up my family. and whether it's the right thing or not remains to be seen. there are no guarantees. it's fucking scary. anyway, i tend to get a little overwhelmed with the decision making going on around here. there are times where i feel like i can't trust myself, that it would be easier to turn around and go back to the bottom of the bag of cheetos and drown myself there. then something incredible happens. he steps in. he doesn't have to say a word. but when he does, it's always the right thing to say. and then it all just fades away. the tension, the anger, the hurt, the fear. i feel safe, warm, i laugh a bunch. and i do love to laugh. because when he looks at me he doesn't just see me. he sees right down into me. and it's incredible really. he makes me see myself. i forgot she was in there. he pulls something up in me, lights it and happily watches what most would consider a blinding flash. but he doesn't look away. he just soaks it up. he's more than a lover. he's a friend...who just happens to be very well versed at the art of seduction. and life is certainly doing some cleaning up around here. the cobwebs are slowly being brushed away. it's incredibly uncomfortable and at times, especially in the last few weeks, it has been debilitating. the pain has stopped me dead in my tracks. these cobwebs, these relics i hold onto have served their purpose. life has decided that i don't need them anymore. they don't need to be replaced. they simply need to be cleaned up to make room for me. i just happen to be lucky enough to have rough hands on the small of my back, whispers telling me of his love and the sweet smell of diesel fumes to make the journey even better. hot damn, i like how life has decided to remodel.