october 21

October 21, 2009 - Wednesday

numbing sensation
Current mood: anxious
don't often find myself quoting pink floyd but this time, it seems only appropriate. "i have become comfortably numb". i've been there. generally involved a copious amount of weed and perhaps a few fresh shrooms but i've been there. it's purty there!

but right now, i'm just numb. the last few days have felt heavy, uncomfortable. i can't put my finger on the why's or how's but something is shifting. and we're not talking someone moving around the chairs. there is some serious, underlying, plate techtonics kind of shit going on. and i don't like it one little bit. nope. i'm not comfortable.

i like order, explanation. sounds odd since i tend to be somewhat organic with life in general, letting my heart take me where it feels a part of something. but a roadmap might be helpful about now. i can't find the answers, the order, the direction. instead i'm left with more and more questions. questions about my marriage, about my eating becoming a spiraling affliction, about this other man that i love, about how to do the right thing for my children, about what i really want in my life, about my creativity and how to direct it. it's all one big question. one big fucked up question that is overwhelming me.

so, what the hell AM i doing anymore? i just don't know. i have no answers right now. a few weeks ago i thought for sure that i had an inkling of an idea that had merit, a plan. something i could sink my teeth in and follow through. but not anymore. someone pulled the carpet out from under me and this concrete floor underneath is cold and hard. and i want that fucking carpet back.

i'm left with a feeling that is hollow. haven't felt this way in a very, very long time. anger, yep. passion, oh yeah. frustration, you betcha. but i'm having a hard time even feeling "love" right now and that's unusual for this little lady. i can generally find the good in most things, situations, times. but right now i don't feel anger, or hate, or love, or anything. i'm numb. but it's anything but comfortable.

so what's next. how do i move through this one when i can't even feel it? when i'm numb.