september 14

September 14, 2009 - Monday 

and how are you? hmmm....so i have a shit-ton on my mind tonight but find i'm lacking the words to properly vent. suppose i'll just start and see where it takes me. today, birthday party for my son. what a fucking nightmare. show up with mark and both kiddos to a child's party place. mark sits and gets on my nerves by just being there. never before i met him did i have such hesitation in high stress situations. i would just roll with the punches. but with him, everything seems harder. life seems harder. the high school waitress comes, is just as confused as i am about what actually takes place at one of these here parties and then exits just as abruptly. kids arrive, parents arrive, talk, kids scatter and play, mom's drink starbucks and talk about god knows what, mark's sister and niece arrive and suddenly, poof....he sits. just sits. decides that he has found his comfort spot and sits, talks, sips on sprite. my parents arrive and i don't even have a chance to say hello. but mark does. he sits with the adults and watches what is happening on the other side of the room. all the while i hand out plates of cardboard pizza, pour drinks for unapologetic brats, wipe up messes, taking pictures, make sure everyone is happy. and the bastard sits. i passively aggressively state "oh no. i don't need any help. please, it's not necessary. just sit down". wasn't a mature way to handle the situation but i felt the need to be bitchier than usual. it didn't help...just made me more pissy. the presents are being opened, more of the same. the cake comes, more of the same. the waitress tells me that we have to leave the table for another party, more of the same. he sits, talks, plays around. occasionally giving a glance in my direction and asks if i'm "okay". am i okay? no...i'm not okay. i'm in this hot fucking hell hole of a place with little kids running around, screaming, demanding water when i have none, i feel like someone punched me in the back of my neck so no...i'm not ok. and how are you? perhaps that's the question i should have asked. how are you? he seemed to be fine. here i was doing all the work and really, the waitress should have been doing it but i did it because, well, she wasn't very bright. and all the while i'm making things smooth and even once again. god forbid i rock the boat and scream "somebody get me the fuck out of here" or "get off your ass and help out with your kid's party" or "no, you little shit, we are out of sprite so drink your water and shut the fuck up". nope, not today. not me. instead, i jumped in and got the job done. is it me or am i the only one who can get the job done around here? or am i the only one stupid enough to do the job? which led me right back to where i started. i really don't need mark. i love mark. i love him. i won't ever stop loving him. he's the goddamn father of my children and a good one at that. but that bastard, that fucking cock sucking bastard, doesn't get it. he doesn't get me. not even a little tiny bit. i don't need him to be happy. i don't need him to be myself. i don't need him to be a parent or a woman or to be satisfied or to be happy. so why am i still here? fuck, i wish i had the answers right now. and would love it if just once someone would ask me "how are you"......