october 15

October 15, 2009 - Thursday 

a parental manual Current mood:  annoyed ooooo......i am in one fired up mood tonight. ready to hear me rant for a while? i swear, sometimes it takes all my willpower to bite my tongue. some people deserve to get an earful when it comes to raising children. being a mama cub myself, i would probably take great offense to someone telling me how to raise my children. but some people just need a fucking manual. case in point....have a good friend, K, who has four daughters (gulp). three of her girls are younger and from a second marriage - 8, 5 and 2 respectively. but she also has a daughter who turned 17 over the summer. K got pregnant with her longtime boyfriend at the age of 20 and they married and had a daughter. later divorced so her daughter, A, stays with her half of the time. well A, her daughter, got her license over the summer. K even had a car ready for her to drive when she hit 17 this year but it was a stick shift. paid for, but a stick shift. the kid didn't feel like learning how to drive it because it was too hard. so instead of telling the child that this is the car you get, take it or leave it, K went out and bought her a different car. just like that. i was disgusted. she didn't want to learn, she doesn't have to learn and she gets her way. what the fuck? it's insane the things they let this kid get away with. if she wants to eat brownies for breakfast then by all means, eat brownies for breakfast. if you want to drink diet pepsi in your captain crunch in lieu of milk, be my guest. oh you don't feel like cleaning your room, no problem. you don't have to. what really kills me is that K doesn't see it. she doesn't see that this child, this 17 year old child, needs a good talking to. that a good swift kick in the ass would go a long way. she needs to lay down the law but for some reason she just doesn't want to disturb their balance. this balance between mother and daughter that has spun itself into a frightening friendship. give me a fucking break! so my question is, when did it become acceptable to be your child's friend and not be your child's parent? personally, i think it's a huge epidemic in this country. i have countless friends and relatives who are so scared of their damn 5 year old being mad at them that they allow rude, inconsiderate, dangerous, downright obnoxious behavior. you don't say to a child "now do you really think you should be waving around that big knife little johnny?" no fucking way. instead you need to tell the shit to put it down and then you need to give the child a serious punishment for the behavior, not ask him how he feels about it. i'm not saying we need to beat the hell out of our child over spilled milk but there has to be a punishment for poor behavior. or at least the threat. i just don't understand. seems pretty simple and logical to me but then again, i'm old school. you are a parent. whether you made the decision or it was made for you, if you are a parent, do your job. kids need stability, rules, boundaries. how else will they learn right from wrong? what, do you really think that a 3 year old has the intellectual capability to say no when there is danger. hell no. a 3 year old is just trying not to poop in his pants. the delineation between right and wrong at any age is a slippery slope but no more so than as an adolescent. how the hell are they ever going to learn anything if you allow them to make the rules? i am reminded of two things my parents always told me. my mother was especially fond of saying that she wanted other people to enjoy being around her children. that our behavior was a direct reflection of the values and respect she had fostered in us. i feel the same way as a parent. you want people to enjoy your children, not consider them poster children for birth control. i want my children to respect one another and others in a dignified manner. these kids who don't say please and thank you....shit, my kids so no sir and yes maam, please and thank you, pardon me instead of "what?". and although i know it may seem archaic to some folks, i believe in respect for others, especially your elders. manners go a long way in this life. the other thing my mother taught me was that if your children don't hate you at some point in their lives, then you have done something wrong. by that she means that she has a job to do. raise her family and bring her children up to be good people. not be their friend. friendship is an entirely different relationship. my mom and i are very, very good friends now but i fucking hated her growing up. setting boundaries, rules, but by god they worked. and i was mad as hell at her back then. she would actually say "thank you" after i told her i hated her. i didn't get it back then but i do now. it meant "thanks, that means i'm doing something right". bottom line is this. you aren't doing your kid any favors by coddling and catering to their every need. teach them to change a tire, make dinner, do their own laundry. teach them to be a responsible person, do the right thing. you will be giving them a lifetime of sage wisdom. and if they hate you for a while for doing it, big fucking deal. you're the adult. deal with it. and make the kid learn how to drive the goddamn stick shift. everyone should know how to work a clutch.