october 2

October 2, 2009 - Friday 

5 mile radius i was reminded today of my small, insulated world. in essence my entire "adult" life has been spent within a 5 mile radius. seriously folks, a 5 mile radius of life. yes, i've lived in other towns, in other states, but somehow i have ended up right back where i started. in an old bungalow just 1 mile from where i grew up. just one mile from my children's schools, pediatrician, hair salon, cake shop, dentist. it's all right here within reach. it's comfortable and i know it like the back of my hand. i was born in orlando but my father moved to jax after he and my mother divorced. back track that a little. my mother and father got divorced and then remarried all within a 6 month period. my dad went through somewhat of a midlife crisis and mom doesn't take shit so she left his ass. he moved to jax for a job opportunity but we lived with her in orlando. when they decided that divorce wasn't the best idea, they got remarried. so we packed up, moved to jax, rented a house and the rest is history. we moved to san marco, into the house where my parents still live, when i was 10. i grew up there, i lost my virginity in that house, smoked my first bowl in that house, had my firsts, lots and lots of firsts, inside those walls. my kids now play in the same rooms, run around the yard. stomp down the hallway, leap across the living room, try to balance themselves on the step down living room ledge. as i was walking through that house today, showing my lover where we have sunday evening dinners together as a family, where so many memories were made and are still being made, i was reminded how wonderful, blessed i am to have my family. crazy, disfunctional but a family. my mother and father are eccentric, bright, funny, grounded, educated. my brother is an ex-marine who, at 41, still doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. i'm the sole provider of grandchildren and they roam this house as if it were their own. it's a second home to them, all they know. it's all i know and frankly i feel pretty fucking lucky to have it. to have them. to feel loved. and here within my five mile radius is where i live. where i play. where i take my kids to feed the ducks at the same pond where i use to feed the ducks. it's all right there. right within my little world. it's insulated, warm and some might say a little boring. but i like it here. just wish i could share it with him a little more. take him with me everywhere, not just for belgian waffles and grits for a "date". instead i would love to take long walks, looking at old homes, talking about the history of the neighborhood, sharing time sitting in the park, playing, watching the dogs run and listening to kids laughter. it would be sweeter with him. for now i can only show him my little world. but one day i hope to invite him in to stay a little longer. and what a beautiful day that will be.