october 28

October 28, 2009 - Wednesday 

into the fire Current mood:  calm there aren't many reasons for me to be at peace right now. in fact, there aren't any blatantly apparent reasons if you look at my life from a bystanders perspective. even from the inside it's looking pretty fucking shitty right now. reality...i am leaving my marriage, posed with the questions that no one ever knows how to answer. cost of living, going back to work, splitting up the household, am i going to regret this decision, how do we make this as "normal" as possible for our children, who leaves, who stays, spousal support, child support, health insurance. hell, even the cost of filling up the car with gas has me questioning how in the world all of this will work. the red tape involved is ten fold. it would be easier, MUCH easier for me to throw in the towel and stay. continue to play the role. after all, i'm pretty fucking good at it. i've been doing it all my life so slipping back into character wouldn't be hard for me. it would be the easiest possible scenario. act like everything is fine and continue to not feel anything. i could continue to numb myself with food, rebuild this brick wall i have painstakingly built around myself and go back to a life that isn't my own. it crosses my mind several times a day. i tell myself that this is insane, i should just stay, make it all go away. click my heels and go back to kansas. every goddamn day i think about the options. just stay and suck it the fuck up. yet the same thing happens each time. despite all of these "negatives", the unanswered and unanswerable questions, i still feel the need to follow through. is it going to be easy...no. is it going to turn my world and everyone's around me upside down....absolutely. are there going to be days where i questions myself....yeppers. is this going to move along quickly....not a chance. the repercussions are deep and lasting. the reality is sobering. i am sober. this, the questioning, the uncertainty, being discouraged, feeling that this problem is too big to solve. it's all reason to run the other direction, right back to the familiarity. but i feel more like myself than i have in my entire life. i'm scared shitless but i'm not running from the fear. i'm facing it head on. in fact, you could say that i'm running straight into the fire. so instead of questioning my decisions, i am answering. i am calm in my own presence. i am willing to do what it takes to put this to rest. i will no longer sit on the side and watch my life pass me. even if that means sustaining some burns along the way. just hope that my nursemaid is ready and waiting with the gauze and ointment. have a feeling i'm going to need it!