october 4

October 4, 2009 - Sunday 

ouch, that hurt. i'm gonna do it again. ............ see that hot fire over there, the open flame? yep, well, i'm going to go stick my hand in it until the flesh is singed right off. it's gonna hurt like hell and leave visible scars, take months to heal but i'm gonna do it anyway. and here's the kicker. i'm such a dumb ass that i'm going to stick my grubby little hand right on back in there again, as soon as it heals. now i'm adequately book smart and think i'm generally a pretty common sense/street smart kind of gal. and when i see a blue flame, i know it's gonna hurt like hell. but when it comes to my relationship with mark, the fire starter himself, well, i'm just a fucking idiot in the worst possible way. for 2 months now he's been nothing but exactly the husband i've wanted him to be for our entire marriage. he has changed everything. the way he talks to me, the way he looks at me, our interaction, how we run this house. everything is to my "liking". now as much as this would probably please most wives who have issues with their partners, it does not please me at all. it makes me incredibly suspect of his motives, of this sudden change. i'm left with questions like, is he doing it because he knew all along the things that would make me happy but just didn't feel like doing it? did he have no idea and now that he does, he wants to change things for the better? is he simply covering up his true personality so that we can continue on with sweeping things under the rug? well, i have wanted some kind of answer and an answer i received. last night my son wakes up with yet another bloody nose. poor kid. 5 years old, comes out covered in blood. so he's crying, freaking out. i'm trying to calm him and suddenly ben starts screaming bloody murder. there is an enormous palmetto cockroach walking right up to my little man. so ben is freaking out. i can't get him off me so i start yelling for mark. over and over, top of my lungs yelling for him. blood dripping down bens face, tears, screaming, all the while mark is nowhere to be seen. out he comes. stomping. sees me and i tell him "help me out with the bug....ben is freaking". now i don't like bugs anymore than the next person but i'm not "girly" about them and can certainly take care of myself, but it's a little harder to handle with a bloody scared kid on my hip. mark looks dead at me and screams louder than i've heard him in a very long time "jesus christ, it's just a fucking bug!" says this in front of ben, abby is behind him, blood dripping down my shirt, 50lb. child in my arms, bug coming closer. i picked up ben and started walking out of the room at which time he yells "yep, run away. you can never do anything yourself. drama queen." now i don't know about other people, but to me, that's just asking for it. so i threw a magazine at him. hard as i could throw it with a kid in the other hand. but i gave it my best shot. got him right in that little sissy dick too. i said nothing, took ben in my bedroom and left mark to the bug. calmed my poor kid down. no more bug, no more bleeding, ben is back to bed and there i sat. alone in my bedroom with my answer. no apology because he didn't think he did anything wrong. but i had my answer and it was disappointing. a fucking bug. that's what it took? that's what it took to see that all of this is just a show. just a show put on to make peace? just a show so that he can continue to act the married man with the nice job, wife, picket fence and 2.5 kids? he has no respect for me. no decency. no loyalty or caring. he's a shell of a man. this warmth he has been exuding is nothing but a lie. a big fat, cockroach fucking lie. and it hurts. it hurts because once again i tried, i put myself out there, i made an effort. a real, true effort to try and believe that he could somehow be what i want, what i need. and this fire. it has burned me one too many times. shame on me for continuing to put my hand in the flame. but the bastard better not even think about striking that match again. it won't be me who gets burned next time.