september 22

September 22, 2009 - Tuesday 

limbo i got nothin. nuthin. nada. zip. zero. not a goddamn thing. it's limbo time. this whole trying to live two lives is coming to a breaking point and it's happening far quicker than i would like. i mean, i've always been scattered, able to juggle things, people, events. but this double life is taking it's toll on my heart, my body, my soul. and i can practically feel my brain swelling. at home i try to be a wife, mom, lover, although thank god he doesn't seem to be too interested in that part. a teacher, a caregiver, chauffeur, chef, maid, laundry folder, project organizer. you name it, it's in my job description. and all without a single fucking dime to call my own. that may be the greatest injustice. other moms will say that their reward is raising good kids. well, i want to raise good kids and still get a wad of cash at the end of the day. it's a thankless, rewarding job and i do love my family but give me a fucking paycheck already! where did i put that money tree again? away from home i try to be an individual, a real live woman who is sexy, a great lover, giving, happy, lovely, funny, at peace. just trying to live life the way i want to when i want to. but i only get away from this other existence as mom/wife once a week or sometimes every two weeks. and on the occasion that i do get to live as this individual, it's is bliss. but it's not enough. it's not satisfying enough. the infrequency. so here i sit. in limbo. now maybe it's just me but i remember learning about weights and measures. about how to balance things. you put too much salt in the cake, it's bitter...not enough flour, it falls flat. i'm a libra. i am suppose to be a naturally balanced person, options, trying to sit on the proverbial fence, weighing and measuring so the scales don't tip too heavily, to get just the right balance. and yet i find myself unbalanced, teetering on the verge of crashing and crashing hard, unable to carry the load anymore. some days it's just too much for these shoulders to carry. some days it's too much life and not enough living. fuck.