september 15

September 15, 2009 - Tuesday 

what's a sin anyway? i did something incredibly irresponsible today and i don't feel the least big guilty about it. i won't divulge, and it wasn't an earth shattering event, but it was a "sin" nonetheless. but it got me thinking. never a good thing when i'm high on migraine meds. and boy am i high on migraine meds. that was one hell of a shot and it knocked that migraine right out. woohoo....good drugs. back to my question. my big questions is how can it be a sin if i don't feel guilty about it and what constitutes a sin anyway? raised as someone with a concious, and a fairly well grounded one at that, i'm always surprised when i do something that would otherwise be considered "wrong" or "frowned upon" and yet it doesn't bother me. my parents are both incredibly upstanding, well educated, smart, honest people. i consider myself lucky to be a product of two people with such credibility and integrity. but taking a closer look, there has always been a streak in me that's undeniably, for lack of a better word, "bad". i pride myself on being an honest, reliable, generally good all around person. i make some stupid decisions. who doesn't? but i don't hurt people intentionally. it happens inevitably, yes, but i don't intentionally wish harm on anyone. and lie, well, i tell lies all the time. but never out of hate. we all lie to save our own asses or to spare another persons feelings. i got over that a long time ago. everyone lies, it's a part of life. i don't really gossip or get my nose into others business. i treat most people as equals with a similar level of respect that i would expect. infidelity, obviously my lack of faith in my marriage has translated itself into infidelity. i wanted to be married forever. that was the vow after all. just doesn't seem to be shaping up that way. hell, no one gets married thinking that they will one day be divorced. we are taught as young children what a "sin" represents. that this man died for our sins so that we may live. i mean, i get it. i should try to be more like *him*. someone without sin. but yet i am told i am a sinner and the only retribution is to be "better" than i already am? so what i am is not good enough? yep, no wonder people question faith. we are taught that we are sinners and yet we aren't good enough and never will be, ever. we just have to hope and pray and have faith that when we die, someone else will take a look at us as good apples or bad apples. is that the lesson i really believe in? that trusting my own voice isn't enough? what classifies the "good" sins from the "bad" ones? certainly there is a line in the sand. i don't think i've crossed it yet. but how far will i go before i no longer consider myself a "good" person? good question. for now, i still think i'm a good person and that will have to be good enough. so take that fuckers.