resolution
Current mood: calm
dammit folks, why didn't someone tell me what a whiny little bitch i've been lately?
seriously, are you just as tired of listening to me bitch, moan and feel sorry for myself as i am? i'm done with it. my attitude of woe is me, cruel world, look at my problems is really starting to piss me off. i have a feeling that many of my friends and family may be just as annoyed. just sayin....i'm incredibly appreciative and thankful for their patience and ability to see past it and supporting me anyway. i feel the love, people, and it hasn't gone unnoticed.
i've never been someone with a lot of patience for people of that nature. in fact, i try to live with the no regrets, don't look back attitude. i make my own messes. i don't blame others for the good or bad. some have been incredible decisions, some have been "what the fuck was she thinking". one way or another, they are mine. i own them.
but enough is enough.
i have continued to stay where i don't feel safe. it has served it's purpose but it doesn't fulfill me as an individual, move me or make me happy anymore. i have two beautiful children that are my priority and the greatest gift from all of this. i love mark for that. he helped give me these beautiful little people who have changed my very being. he's the best father i could have wanted for my children. but my marriage, i have moved through it and i've had my fill.
frankly, i've been pushed to make a decision. i don't like being pushed. in fact, there aren't a lot of times in my life where i have lost my temper but all of them have included other people invading my space, physically or emotionally. it is mine so step the fuck back. but the funny thing is that i'm incredibly thankful to be pushed this time, the anger isn't there. i needed someone to kick me in the ass and tell me to move the fuck on with things, one way or another. who knew that person would be mark? certainly not me.
the answer is clear. it's time. perhaps long overdue. it's time for me to slip into a new pair of shoes, wipe the dust off and get back in the game. living my life in the dark just isn't working for me anymore. so the setting up of two separate households, having to go back to work, figuring out how to start all over, as a 37 year old single mother of two who hasn't worked a real job in years, splitting of assets as well as debts, saying goodbye to the past 14 years. well, it's daunting to say the least. all the while trying to make it as smooth and as comfortable for my kids as possible.
it's not an option i'm looking at from a distance anymore. it's my new reality.
so i'm moving on. gonna try not to bitch and moan anymore. ok. not as much. it will still happen. i'll still have times where i feel sorry for myself and i'm not blind to the reality of the pain this will cause everyone in my life, including me. the mourning and loss of a marriage won't be easy on me either. i hate being the one to break mark. he'll hate me for a while but i can live with that now. i can live with myself knowing that i'm letting him move on too. i'm tired of hurting him just to try. to try and make something where there is nothing. it's not fair to either of us. i'm doing the right thing.
hell, this isn't going to be easy for anyone. especially my children. i worry about them the most. they are far more intuitive and strong in their resilience than i give them credit. amazing how a 5 and 8 year old just bounce back from things that break adults so easily. but i have to do it. my hand has been forced and i'm finally willing to doing what is right, get rid of what's been feeding that numbness. i'm ready to feel all of it. and it is fucking scary, liberating, lonely, anxiety ridden, unnerving, freeing and it makes me laugh a little at myelf. without laughing at it, i would most certainly fall right off of the cliffside.
but mostly, despite all the ways it makes me feel, this feels like me.
and that's not such a bad thing after all.
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