september 26

September 26, 2009 - Saturday 

rantings from food land most foods just don't interest me at all. kind of funny seeing that i currently weigh far more than well, most people i know. how did i get that way? eating too much. because i love food? no way. it's the opposite really. i hate food. don't like how it tastes. i don't particularly care for how it feels in my mouth. wish i didn't have to eat again ever. it's a little like an alcoholic self medicating. well, an alcoholic can recover and not "use" again and still physically survive. not saying it's easy mind you but alcohol isn't a necessity for life. but food. well. i  use it to self medicate, to either reward or punish myself. i can use it to numb the pain, similar to alcohol, drugs, cutting. you name it, it's the same thing. but here's the kicker. i can't physically survive without food. i can't. and trust me, i've tried - see prior story of honey nut cheerios and cigarettes. i have to have it to nourish my body, provide the fuel. it's a vital part of who i am. and there's not a thing i can do about it.  so you tell a person with an "addiction" to using food in one form or another as a coping method to stop. just stop doing it. oh, but here's a sandwich. you should really eat something. oh, and by the way, you have to eat every day for the rest of your life or you will die. you just have to control how much and why you eat. you have to stop using food as a drug and use it as a way to nurture your body. it's just like telling an alcoholic that have to stop drinking, never drink again or use alcohol as a coping method. however, you do need to drink everyday to live. but don't drink too much or for the wrong reasons. so it's about the control, the proper use, the inappropriate abuse. the food. i have to have it to survive. i just have to figure out how to survive without abusing it. should be a shitload of fun considering my current emotional state. now where did i put that candy bar?