september 2

September 2, 2009 - Wednesday 

disection of a girl named iris so i'm not sure when this iris thing came about. a while back i suppose. early summer. changed my name to iris morning-dew because i took some random, silly name test on fbook and my "hippy" name came up as iris morning-dew. something clicked in me that sleepless night. it just sounded right. sounded real. sounded just like a name i would pick for myself. i liked it. but disecting this girl has been much harder to do. in the last few months i have gone from dreadfully bored, unfulfilled, overweight mother of two who was trapped like a wild animal. dramatic? perhaps. but that's how it felt and that's precisely how i write. from the gut. so here i was beginning my summer ritual with the usual questions. they are recurring questions for me and every year i think i will finally have the answers. 1. school is out so now what will the kids do all summer? 2. how am i going to get my eating under control? 3. how much longer can i stay this lonely and depressed? so the first question is obvious. how will i fill my time and my childrens time with enriching activities. well folks, kids don't need enriching activities in the summer. kids need to sweat, run around in the rain, swim in the pool until they turn blue, eat popsicles that get all over their clothes, sing, dance, stay up late. that's what really enriching to a kid. not going on a lavish vacation or to disney world again. they don't give a fuck what they do as long as they can just be themselves and be with people who love them. an occasionally eat too much ice cream and throw it up. but i digress..... get the eating under control. sounds easy. so difficult. always a battle to eat the way i need to for my body and the way i feel. completely, polar opposite fucking things. i hate food. and last but not least, can i stay? can i really do this anymore. can i really stiffle this person underneath.....my answer was different this summer. my answers were all different. the kids were fine, taken care of, i had relaxed having to have them in everything this year. i just wanted them to have fun with me and with each other. we spent lots of time swimming, hanging out, seeing movies, visiting with friends, painting lots of art, just fun shit to do with kids. and the eating disorder was, well i felt different. i didn't feel like i needed to eat to fulfill myself. to shut down this inner voice. instead i had an outlet, a person who made me feel alive and full. a man who would accept just as i was and for that, i didn't feel i needed to drown myself in food. instead it became the fuel that my body needed. not the thing weighing me down. and i started to lose weight. 24lbs. and i couldn't stay in this crazy disfunctional dishonest uncaring marriage one more second. it was killing me. i can't live like this anymore. but how am i going to live? what happens next..... iris was born. but i don't want her to die. wonder if she will die....sure hope not.