Current mood:
adored i am part pissed and ready to vent.....
that's how i felt when i was asked recently if i was "shopping" for a new husband. seriously. a grown woman asked me if i was shopping for a new husband. well, why else would i want to get a divorce, right? you simply must be married. don't you want to get married again? why wouldn't you want to get married again? that's what you need to do.
what the fuck? of course, this friend also told me that i needed to get my ass in shape if i was going "back on the market"....great friend, huh? like i'm a fucking piece of meat. honestly, i kept picturing some absurd auction with divorced women wearing numbers pranced around in their best dresses and presenting suitors with their best apple pie. will they be the lucky girl who gets picked? will their fine physique, tastefully chosen dress or their ability to cook a good pie win them a new husband....a better husband. only so many men to go around, right?
FUCK THAT! pretty self explanatory that i disagree with the questioning and refuse to answer such nonsense. but next came another feeling.
i am part introspective.....
it did get me thinking. alright, so say that mark is completely out of my life as a partner. it is certainly looking that way. granted, he will still always be a provider for the kids and for a while he will have to support me (he's gonna hate that). but he's gone. i'm alone as an individual, parenting as a pair but no longer a partner in life. no man around on a consistent basis to do what a man does.
what is that exactly? what is it that i'm tossing aside that is so incredibly valuable and makes me whole? without it, aren't i still whole? yep, i think i'm just fine. i do love mark. he gave me these beautiful children. he gave me love, although not fulfilling for me, he gave it. he gave me many, many years. i would never discredit him for his commitment to our life together. but it's always been a commitment to something hollow. it's as much my fault as his. choosing to push the lack of partnership to the side. deciding that i was fine, even if i wasn't. i lied to myself and to him. the guilt is overwhelming but what's done is done.
and although i'm thoroughly enjoying this new love in my life, who appears to be unshaken by all of this, is it real? will it last? are we simply serving a purpose for one another right here, right now and when it ends, it ends. that it will end eventually? doesn't feel like it will, i hope it doesn't, but again, so many unanswerable questions about that relationship. i know how i feel about it. he knows how i feel about it but there are no guarantees. are there ever any guarantees? i got married with a guarantee that i would stay committed to it for the rest of my life, a commitment i took seriously. and now look at me. i'm in a holding pattern.
so essentially i am saying that i would rather take the risk of being alone, lonely at times, than being with mark any longer? so that led me to another feeling.....
i am part questioning....
i'm not questioning my intentions. my intentions are to provide something more for myself and eventually for all of my family, including mark. i'm very clear about the intention of ending this partnership. life is too short. cliche, yes. appropriate, abso-fucking-lutely.
instead i question whether i would ever get married again? do i even want to get married again? certainly i think that marriages can work. but just like all relationships, they take work, communication, trust, honesty, openness, some great fulfilling sex, a willingness to make yourself available. placing another persons needs right along your own, not above them or below them but as equal billing.
do i have that with mark...no. could i have it with mark if i tried more....i don't think so. could i have it with someone else....yes, i think i could. not sure that i believed i could until recently but my eyes have been opened. i'm feeling full, understood, happy, calm. not sure that has ever happened before but i'm rollin with it for as long as i can.
so would i get married again? yes, but the next time around, well, would be different. so what would it look like, to get married again?
i want to have someone fit me. not have to try and fit me. compromise, yes, but change the essence of the person, no way. i think when i married mark i considered the wedding band to be a symbol of belonging to him. that i was now tied to him. no matter the cost. the only way i would wear a band again is if it symbolized what i think it should truly represent. what is that? that the band is an extension of one person to the other. a multiplying of yourself. a desire to be more, to multiply your love. a symbol of a commitment, yes, but a commitment that includes you instead of an exchange of yourself. i don't ever want to think of it again as an exchange of rings but instead as a joining of them. isn't that what it's suppose to be about anyway?
most of all, i don't ever want to pretend again. i don't want to hide myself. i'm not a trophy wife, never have been, never will be. i'm beyond low maintenance physically and i would likely look a hell of a lot better if vanity were a concern but alas, it's just not my thing. i am trying to shave my legs more often so hopefully i won't scare any suitable men away.
where was i? oh yeah, i want to be able to live vividly, have someone appreciate and love *all* of me, not just some of it. i want to love someone and have them love me madly in return. so if it happens, that would certainly be lovely. and if it doesn't, at least i can love myself.
that's how i felt when i was asked recently if i was "shopping" for a new husband. seriously. a grown woman asked me if i was shopping for a new husband. well, why else would i want to get a divorce, right? you simply must be married. don't you want to get married again? why wouldn't you want to get married again? that's what you need to do.
what the fuck? of course, this friend also told me that i needed to get my ass in shape if i was going "back on the market"....great friend, huh? like i'm a fucking piece of meat. honestly, i kept picturing some absurd auction with divorced women wearing numbers pranced around in their best dresses and presenting suitors with their best apple pie. will they be the lucky girl who gets picked? will their fine physique, tastefully chosen dress or their ability to cook a good pie win them a new husband....a better husband. only so many men to go around, right?
FUCK THAT! pretty self explanatory that i disagree with the questioning and refuse to answer such nonsense. but next came another feeling.
i am part introspective.....
it did get me thinking. alright, so say that mark is completely out of my life as a partner. it is certainly looking that way. granted, he will still always be a provider for the kids and for a while he will have to support me (he's gonna hate that). but he's gone. i'm alone as an individual, parenting as a pair but no longer a partner in life. no man around on a consistent basis to do what a man does.
what is that exactly? what is it that i'm tossing aside that is so incredibly valuable and makes me whole? without it, aren't i still whole? yep, i think i'm just fine. i do love mark. he gave me these beautiful children. he gave me love, although not fulfilling for me, he gave it. he gave me many, many years. i would never discredit him for his commitment to our life together. but it's always been a commitment to something hollow. it's as much my fault as his. choosing to push the lack of partnership to the side. deciding that i was fine, even if i wasn't. i lied to myself and to him. the guilt is overwhelming but what's done is done.
and although i'm thoroughly enjoying this new love in my life, who appears to be unshaken by all of this, is it real? will it last? are we simply serving a purpose for one another right here, right now and when it ends, it ends. that it will end eventually? doesn't feel like it will, i hope it doesn't, but again, so many unanswerable questions about that relationship. i know how i feel about it. he knows how i feel about it but there are no guarantees. are there ever any guarantees? i got married with a guarantee that i would stay committed to it for the rest of my life, a commitment i took seriously. and now look at me. i'm in a holding pattern.
so essentially i am saying that i would rather take the risk of being alone, lonely at times, than being with mark any longer? so that led me to another feeling.....
i am part questioning....
i'm not questioning my intentions. my intentions are to provide something more for myself and eventually for all of my family, including mark. i'm very clear about the intention of ending this partnership. life is too short. cliche, yes. appropriate, abso-fucking-lutely.
instead i question whether i would ever get married again? do i even want to get married again? certainly i think that marriages can work. but just like all relationships, they take work, communication, trust, honesty, openness, some great fulfilling sex, a willingness to make yourself available. placing another persons needs right along your own, not above them or below them but as equal billing.
do i have that with mark...no. could i have it with mark if i tried more....i don't think so. could i have it with someone else....yes, i think i could. not sure that i believed i could until recently but my eyes have been opened. i'm feeling full, understood, happy, calm. not sure that has ever happened before but i'm rollin with it for as long as i can.
so would i get married again? yes, but the next time around, well, would be different. so what would it look like, to get married again?
i want to have someone fit me. not have to try and fit me. compromise, yes, but change the essence of the person, no way. i think when i married mark i considered the wedding band to be a symbol of belonging to him. that i was now tied to him. no matter the cost. the only way i would wear a band again is if it symbolized what i think it should truly represent. what is that? that the band is an extension of one person to the other. a multiplying of yourself. a desire to be more, to multiply your love. a symbol of a commitment, yes, but a commitment that includes you instead of an exchange of yourself. i don't ever want to think of it again as an exchange of rings but instead as a joining of them. isn't that what it's suppose to be about anyway?
most of all, i don't ever want to pretend again. i don't want to hide myself. i'm not a trophy wife, never have been, never will be. i'm beyond low maintenance physically and i would likely look a hell of a lot better if vanity were a concern but alas, it's just not my thing. i am trying to shave my legs more often so hopefully i won't scare any suitable men away.
where was i? oh yeah, i want to be able to live vividly, have someone appreciate and love *all* of me, not just some of it. i want to love someone and have them love me madly in return. so if it happens, that would certainly be lovely. and if it doesn't, at least i can love myself.
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