september 3

September 3, 2009 - Thursday 

wake me up when it's over i never thought in a millions years, or even in the last 20 years, that i would be right here right now. let's break it down, shall we.... i am almost 37 years old. i weight roughly 100 lbs. more than i should and frankly, i'm just fucking fat and feel ugly all the time. my stomach is no longer flat, my ass no longer smooth, my tits no longer firm. i have an 8 years old and my son turns 5 today. i survived a brutal rape and beating at the age of 20 that has left me an emotional black hole in many respects. i have been in love, deeply in love, with only a few men in my life. each of them a treasure. i am insecure in my appearance, unsure of my decisions, your basic mess of a middle ages woman. i am married to mark. mark is married to me. i live in a home that we can afford and is much nicer than the majority of people in this country. i drive a car that is paid for and have everything i could ever want. on paper. good neighborhood, good kids, food on the table, a home, friends, family. everything. take you back 20 years and i was a starry eyed almost 17 year old girl. in a love affair with an emotionally abusive man but i chose not to see. i was a kid. weighed 92lbs. soaking wet. anorexic but not yet bulemic. had sex pretty much daily with my older boyfriend. went to school sometimes. made decent grades. read every book under the sun. drawing. painting. just living life one moment at a time. no responsibilities. none. well, not entirely true. i was hellbent on not getting pregnant and was responsible in that respect. otherwise i did whatever drug i wanted when i wanted with whoever i wanted. i did not hold back. i had fear but the fear was good. it didn't stop me. it pushed me through. nothing stopped me. i may have been scared of what was next but whatever it was would happen anyway so why the fuck wouldn't i jump in. no one could have stopped me. i couldn't stop myself. now i have two fantastic, wonderful reasons to stop and think of the future. i have these beautiful children. this life in front of me that is full. it's a full life that is so incredibly empty. what's missing in the equation? what is it that doesn't satisfy me? you know, i thought for a long time that it was mark. mark was the root of the problem. not happy, blah blah blah. he's a putz. he's a complete putz sometimes. i mean, i love him. he's a good man. a wonderful father. but he's just not who i want. what i want. but when do we make that decision. draw the line between what we "need" and what we "want". well, i need my family. i need my children. i need a life that is rich and full and something i can enjoy. but i don't need mark. i have never needed him. instead i need me, whoever that is now. is that what is comes down to? that i just need to be myself? can it really be that simple? i'm a big believer in happiness coming from you, not from others. you can make your life but you can also let your life make you. so you choose. you choose to have a life, live a life or put it on hold. i don't want that to be the example for my children. i want them to live their life on their terms, according to their hearts. i want them to trust themselves and to need only themselves. to need to be who they are. not held back as i have been. don't get me wrong. i blame no one else for this shithold of an existence that i lead. i hold myself back, no one has done it to me. i've done it to myself. when will i stop holding it back? i'm just not sure when the world, if my world, will be accepting of what i've been holding all these years. it's an angry mess. an angry, hurt, jumbled up mess with a big huge caring giving loving heart underneath that yearns to be loved and to love in return. sounds like it's time to clean up around here. who has an enormous dumpster i can use for a while? in the meantime, i will enjoy what i can and throw away those things that i can't. i want to love life again, no matter the cost. i deserve to know that joy. everyone deserves that joy. fuck, i miss him. i miss his joy.