august 22

August 22, 2009 - Saturday 

tantrums are under appreciated... damn these fucking days. i just want to yell and scream and throw a temper tantrum like a little kid. why is it that only kids do that? somehow as we grow older it's frowned upon to just let it all out. to throw yourself on the floor kicking and screaming and yelling "i don't want to." why is it that we have to cover things up. even the most mundane emotions. for instance, if i'm bored. i can't look bored. it might offend the person who is boring me or worse, hurt their feelings. so instead, you have to act like you're interested in what they are saying. stay focused on them. make them feel special. case in point, i was being told this incredibly boring story about god knows what and i honestly just wanted to reach over and smack this person in the face and tell them to shut the hell up. really, that's what i wanted to do. but did i, no way. i was a fucking lady. listened, even engaged in the conversation. but for what? it was a waste of my god damn time. a complete fucking waste. i've wasted enough of my life making other people feel more comfortable, happy, satisfied. but when is it enough? is it ever enough? do you ever get to just let your guard down reach across the couch and tell them you don't care, you never will care and you don't feel badly about it! do you ever cross that line and take that leap not knowing what is on the other side? do you? for now, i don't. i don't say what's on my mind except with a few close, trusted people who know me and love me anyway. but with everyone else, especially with mark, i have to turn the other cheek. make them feel wanted and loved and special even though i just want to throw that temper tantrum and break shit. i have to play the game and keep a nice face so egos aren't bruised, anger isn't harbored and rage doesn't take over. i have to keep the peace. but man, oh man, when this erin size can of whip ass does get opened...peeps better take cover because i've been bottled up, broken down, bent over and fucked up the ass too many times. and it's all in here just waiting to break out. and when it does, i'll be breaking people, not just shit.