october 9

October 9, 2009 - Friday 

"it" needs a name ever have something happen to you that was so inconceivable, so absurd that it stands alone? an event that took place that was surreal, the smells, the sounds, the actions, all of it has stained you? i have one of those and although it isn't my favorite topic and i don't like to give it face time, i have to give it face time. it deserves my attention simply to be able to walk away from it a little more everyday. but it's an ugly memory. i was reminded yesterday when i received a very unwelcome happy birthday from him. he finds me to simply write "happy birthday". i've blocked him in every way possible, changed emails but he finds me. it hasn't been on a consistent basis but for some reason i knew this fuck, this psychopathic fuck, would seek me out this year. and he did. ............ he needs to be held accountable. i need to know that i've said his name. that this man is known as the cruel animal that he is. he will not go unnamed any longer. his name is adrian and this is what he did to me. i had slept with adrian numerous times, all with a condom. everyone knew we were each others go to, hook up, casual sex. in fact, i really didn't think of him much outside of the bedroom. that night we met at the bar bar and soon he was making eyes my direction and i knew what would happen next. we walked back to his place, went upstairs, got a little hot and heavy and then i stopped him. when i told him no, not unless you have a condom, i started to get up, partially dressed at this point and he didn't say a word. so i'm standing there at 5'5", all of 105lbs., he was 6'4", played rugby but still slender. he looked me straight in the eyes and popped me in the nose. it started bleeding immediately but i don't think it was broken at the time. i remember the feel of blood running down my throat and making me choke. i was stunned. he pinned me against the wall and i remember asking what the fuck he thought he was doing, at which time he grabbed my arm and threw me across the room. this time my temple hit the edge of the door and i went down to the floor. i remember him getting on top of me, i'm screaming, he's holding down my wrists and i spit in his face. that's when he gave me a serious blow to my left cheek and i was out. sustained a nasty cut right under my eye too. to this day, i still have a hard time when i get tired. that eye just gives out. from there it's a blur that lasted for a couple of hours but i honestly couldn't tell you how long. i have fragments of memories. i still remember him hitting me, vividly punching me around my head and neck. i was a fighter and he would use his body weight to hold me down. i remember once he was trying to be gentle and then i fought back. he became more violent, even biting the inside of my thigh and breaking the skin. the rape itself wasn't nearly as brutal as the beating i withstood but it was still a violation unlike any other. i remember waking up one time and he was using some type of foreign object to satisfy his sick fantasy. there were lots of things he did that are unbelievable and to this day i still feel the sting. the physical injuries boggle my mind. my nose was broken so badly that they waited 2 days to rebrake it, fearing blood clots and further damage. several ribs were broken. cuts on my face, inside my mouth was ripped to shreds from being hit so hard i'm surprised to this day that i didn't lose any teeth. my wrists and forearms were bruised, my shoulder out of it's socket. i was knocked unconscious not once but several times. whatever he used at some point to rape me left lacerations and subsequent nerve damage and scar tissue. i  wasn't awake for a good portion, thank god, and when i was, i was simply trying to defend myself. that's the amazing thing. i knew he would slam my head in the floor even harder but i kept fighting back. and then he was done. don't know how long he had been done but when i woke, i was on the floor, blood burned my one eye that was not swollen shut. i was now partially dress. he must have decided to clean me up because i felt some dried blood but no longer had the taste in my mouth. i got to my feet, pulled on my jeans and then i heard him, off in the distance. he was whistling. he had gotten himself showered, not a drop of blood on him. his face was ruddy and flushed but he was clean. he walked down the hall and saw me at the front door. i was paralyzed, thought for sure he would rush me again and this time kill me. instead he was holding two beers and singing a frank sinatra tune. he smiled and asked me if i wanted to stay and have a beer. i ran down those stairs, tripped, fell several times but i ran all 8 blocks home. it was 4am by then and no one was on the streets. i ran into my apartment, locked the bedroom door, got into the shower and vomited several times. don't know how long i stayed in there but i finally got out, got dressed and opened my door. waiting for me was my roommate. he didn't say a word, not a single question, scooped me up in his arms, put me in his car and drove me to the hospital. we didn't speak the entire way and i honestly wouldn't have known what to say. but that roommate saved my life. and now i'm 37 years old, carrying scars that are not visible but are deep and fresh as if i were wounded yesterday. i carry a hate and a passion for this man to suffer. this man that i never had an emotional connection to took a part of me so deep that i will never recover it. and the worst part, the part i hate the most, is that he doesn't deserve the time or thought that i have to give him here, writing about him, hating him, wishing a painful death for him. but i deserve it. i deserve to move through it and move on with these baby steps. for me, just giving him a name makes it more tolerable. his name is adrian.