november 2

November 2, 2009 - Monday 

ball bustin' Current mood:  bitchy i'm pissed. doesn't happen often but today i'm just being a serious hot head. i am annoyed, frustrated, angry, rotten, sad, disenchanted and altogether fucking pissed! i never cease to be amazed at the brazen acts that some people find acceptable. i won't go into detail. it isn't worth mine or your time. but i don't ask much from people in my life. i don't expect much. however, there are certainly a few things that i will not tolerate. shall we? oh, i think we shall..... i will NOT tolerate dishonest, disloyal, evasive, emotionless, uncommunicative, passive aggressive pricks! there. that about covers it but i'm sure there are other things that i won't tolerate. just can't think of anything else at the moment. oh i know. people who chew with their mouths open or talk with food in their mouth. and i demand please and thank you. there. i can move on. so essentially i ask that people i love, value as friends will continue to communicate with me, don't hide things from me and open themselves. good or bad, i want to hear it. i have to hear it. i'm owed that much. granted, i realize i am an entirely different animal. i am willing, often too willing, to open myself to people, trusting and some may say naive. however, i think of it as an experience. if you don't open yourself up and be honest and upfront initially, well then, you probably won't be living your life. make sense? probably not but to me i have to be "present" in my life to be able to learn from it. otherwise, it's just a collasal fucking waste of time. i've wasted enough time already. because of it i have gotten hurt and will continue to get hurt but i would rather feel that pain than feel nothing at all. in the spirit of my recent house cleaning of life, i will not put up with this bullshit anymore. i'm done with it. and instead of doing my usual turn the other cheek temperament, of which i'm generally a big believer, i'm in an incredibly aggressive, protective mood. i don't like to burn bridges or make false assumptions. i take my time and cool off before busting some serious balls. not today. i'm tired of being a fucking doormat. it's my own fault and there isn't a single person who can stand up for me but yours truly. so guess what? i'm opening up that big ole can of whoop ass, gonna fuck somebody up and i don't give a shit. i seriously don't give a shit if my nearest and dearest read this, think i'm being an insane bitch and are offended by my aggressive nature today. because you know what....i am aggressive today, i am a bit of a psycho bitch today and god dammit, mother fuckers, i'm ready for the fight. **this is all figurative by the way and i'm not a physically violent person. i detest the very idea of such a thing** All My Life Foo Fighters | MySpace Music Videos

november 1

November 1, 2009 - Sunday 

remodeling Current mood:  impervious life has a funny way of clearing things out of the way, cleaning house so to speak. in the same way that we take it upon ourselves to do spring cleaning, repaint that bedroom that has never been just the right color (i'm still working on that one) or simply deciding to kick a habit, lose weight, change it up. whatever it is, you clear it away. toss it out and move on. well, i think that life works that way on it's own. because no matter how hard we try and hold onto relics, everyday life has a funny way of clearing the clutter. getting rid of the things that hold us back. what makes me think of it is this strange phenomenon that seems to be going on with me. i become bogged down, worried about the future, and rightfully so. hell, i'm about to give up on my marriage and break up my family. and whether it's the right thing or not remains to be seen. there are no guarantees. it's fucking scary. anyway, i tend to get a little overwhelmed with the decision making going on around here. there are times where i feel like i can't trust myself, that it would be easier to turn around and go back to the bottom of the bag of cheetos and drown myself there. then something incredible happens. he steps in. he doesn't have to say a word. but when he does, it's always the right thing to say. and then it all just fades away. the tension, the anger, the hurt, the fear. i feel safe, warm, i laugh a bunch. and i do love to laugh. because when he looks at me he doesn't just see me. he sees right down into me. and it's incredible really. he makes me see myself. i forgot she was in there. he pulls something up in me, lights it and happily watches what most would consider a blinding flash. but he doesn't look away. he just soaks it up. he's more than a lover. he's a friend...who just happens to be very well versed at the art of seduction. and life is certainly doing some cleaning up around here. the cobwebs are slowly being brushed away. it's incredibly uncomfortable and at times, especially in the last few weeks, it has been debilitating. the pain has stopped me dead in my tracks. these cobwebs, these relics i hold onto have served their purpose. life has decided that i don't need them anymore. they don't need to be replaced. they simply need to be cleaned up to make room for me. i just happen to be lucky enough to have rough hands on the small of my back, whispers telling me of his love and the sweet smell of diesel fumes to make the journey even better. hot damn, i like how life has decided to remodel.

october 28

October 28, 2009 - Wednesday 

into the fire Current mood:  calm there aren't many reasons for me to be at peace right now. in fact, there aren't any blatantly apparent reasons if you look at my life from a bystanders perspective. even from the inside it's looking pretty fucking shitty right now. reality...i am leaving my marriage, posed with the questions that no one ever knows how to answer. cost of living, going back to work, splitting up the household, am i going to regret this decision, how do we make this as "normal" as possible for our children, who leaves, who stays, spousal support, child support, health insurance. hell, even the cost of filling up the car with gas has me questioning how in the world all of this will work. the red tape involved is ten fold. it would be easier, MUCH easier for me to throw in the towel and stay. continue to play the role. after all, i'm pretty fucking good at it. i've been doing it all my life so slipping back into character wouldn't be hard for me. it would be the easiest possible scenario. act like everything is fine and continue to not feel anything. i could continue to numb myself with food, rebuild this brick wall i have painstakingly built around myself and go back to a life that isn't my own. it crosses my mind several times a day. i tell myself that this is insane, i should just stay, make it all go away. click my heels and go back to kansas. every goddamn day i think about the options. just stay and suck it the fuck up. yet the same thing happens each time. despite all of these "negatives", the unanswered and unanswerable questions, i still feel the need to follow through. is it going to be easy...no. is it going to turn my world and everyone's around me upside down....absolutely. are there going to be days where i questions myself....yeppers. is this going to move along quickly....not a chance. the repercussions are deep and lasting. the reality is sobering. i am sober. this, the questioning, the uncertainty, being discouraged, feeling that this problem is too big to solve. it's all reason to run the other direction, right back to the familiarity. but i feel more like myself than i have in my entire life. i'm scared shitless but i'm not running from the fear. i'm facing it head on. in fact, you could say that i'm running straight into the fire. so instead of questioning my decisions, i am answering. i am calm in my own presence. i am willing to do what it takes to put this to rest. i will no longer sit on the side and watch my life pass me. even if that means sustaining some burns along the way. just hope that my nursemaid is ready and waiting with the gauze and ointment. have a feeling i'm going to need it!

october 27

October 27, 2009 - Tuesday 

feeling like an oyster. Current mood:  intense yep. feeling like an oyster. just can't wait for the damn pearl. i was reminded of something a friend sent to me not too long ago. when i received it, i thought it was pretty cliche, corny, didn't give it much merit. it certainly holds more truth than i first gave it credit. today, i am reminding myself that good will come from what is happening now. that good, it always does. and that tomorrow is just that, tomorrow. makes it a little more tolerable. "A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear that results from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl."   Stephan Hoeller hydrangea in bloom - taken last week

october 24

October 24, 2009 - Saturday

resolution
Current mood: calm
dammit folks, why didn't someone tell me what a whiny little bitch i've been lately?

seriously, are you just as tired of listening to me bitch, moan and feel sorry for myself as i am? i'm done with it. my attitude of woe is me, cruel world, look at my problems is really starting to piss me off. i have a feeling that many of my friends and family may be just as annoyed. just sayin....i'm incredibly appreciative and thankful for their patience and ability to see past it and supporting me anyway. i feel the love, people, and it hasn't gone unnoticed.

i've never been someone with a lot of patience for people of that nature. in fact, i try to live with the no regrets, don't look back attitude. i make my own messes. i don't blame others for the good or bad. some have been incredible decisions, some have been "what the fuck was she thinking". one way or another, they are mine. i own them.

but enough is enough.

i have continued to stay where i don't feel safe. it has served it's purpose but it doesn't fulfill me as an individual, move me or make me happy anymore. i have two beautiful children that are my priority and the greatest gift from all of this. i love mark for that. he helped give me these beautiful little people who have changed my very being. he's the best father i could have wanted for my children. but my marriage, i have moved through it and i've had my fill.

frankly, i've been pushed to make a decision. i don't like being pushed. in fact, there aren't a lot of times in my life where i have lost my temper but all of them have included other people invading my space, physically or emotionally. it is mine so step the fuck back. but the funny thing is that i'm incredibly thankful to be pushed this time, the anger isn't there. i needed someone to kick me in the ass and tell me to move the fuck on with things, one way or another. who knew that person would be mark? certainly not me.

the answer is clear. it's time. perhaps long overdue. it's time for me to slip into a new pair of shoes, wipe the dust off and get back in the game. living my life in the dark just isn't working for me anymore. so the setting up of two separate households, having to go back to work, figuring out how to start all over, as a 37 year old single mother of two who hasn't worked a real job in years, splitting of assets as well as debts, saying goodbye to the past 14 years. well, it's daunting to say the least. all the while trying to make it as smooth and as comfortable for my kids as possible.

it's not an option i'm looking at from a distance anymore. it's my new reality.

so i'm moving on. gonna try not to bitch and moan anymore. ok. not as much. it will still happen. i'll still have times where i feel sorry for myself and i'm not blind to the reality of the pain this will cause everyone in my life, including me. the mourning and loss of a marriage won't be easy on me either. i hate being the one to break mark. he'll hate me for a while but i can live with that now. i can live with myself knowing that i'm letting him move on too. i'm tired of hurting him just to try. to try and make something where there is nothing. it's not fair to either of us. i'm doing the right thing.

hell, this isn't going to be easy for anyone. especially my children. i worry about them the most. they are far more intuitive and strong in their resilience than i give them credit. amazing how a 5 and 8 year old just bounce back from things that break adults so easily. but i have to do it. my hand has been forced and i'm finally willing to doing what is right, get rid of what's been feeding that numbness. i'm ready to feel all of it. and it is fucking scary, liberating, lonely, anxiety ridden, unnerving, freeing and it makes me laugh a little at myelf. without laughing at it, i would most certainly fall right off of the cliffside.

but mostly, despite all the ways it makes me feel, this feels like me.

and that's not such a bad thing after all.

october 22

October 22, 2009 - Thursday 

don't want to and i'm not gonna...... Current mood:  accomplished i'm feeling downright bratty today....sticking my tongue out at everyone and giving you the moose ears with my fingers wiggling too. take that assholes! you know those kids that get dragged into a doctors office and as they are being hoisted up by one of their overly indulgent parents, they firmly grasp each side of the door casing? kicking, screaming, i don't want to go, holding onto that moulding as if their life depends on it. yeah well, that's me today. my feet are not, i repeat, not moving. "personal space" is essential to my well being. sometimes, i just want to be alone. do the old risky business, crank up the music, and whatever the hell i want within these walls. this weekend i have that opportunity. the other three members of my family are set to leave tomorrow afternoon to take a weekend trip to tampa to see family, around 4 hours away, and won't be back for more than 48 hours. can you imagine....48 hours of time to yourself to do whatever you want? that's the beauty of this kind of "freedom" and i have looked forward to it for a month. so they will leave on friday afternoon after the kids are done with school. that leaves me, alone, in this house, to raise whatever kind of hell i care to raise. but good old husband has to throw a wrench in my plans of freedom. oh yeah, how could he not? it's his favorite past-time. take my plans, squish them all up, and hand them back for me to unscramble. he's a serious shithead sometimes. he is begging me to come with them, take a roadtrip to see his family, who are all just a bunch of irish/german redheads that are just as stubborn and difficult as he can be. so i'm suppose to give up my 48 hours of peace? now he may well want the company. and my kids certainly wouldn't mind having old mom there to laugh and talk with. that part i would thoroughly enjoy. my kids are pretty incredible little people. but i could use a break from the "momsanity" right now. i am constantly a nurse maid and educator these days. motivational speaker, boo boo kisser, problem solver, you name it - i wear it proudly. but it would be nice to have a break from this domestic goddess bullshit. maybe he wants me to go because he knows deep down that this love affair i'm having is anything but a casual fling. that i look forward to having the freedom to spend some quality face time with another man. that fulfilling sex, many times over mind you, and several ice cold beers are on my agenda. he doesn't trust me and rightfully so. hell, if he had an affair that was more than just a sexual tryst, i would be concerned too. flip the coin, i don't disagree with his feelings of worry or trust one bit. i can't be trusted right now. not with the deep rooted connection i feel for this other man. i'm not willing to stop yet. perhaps he just thinks i'll lay around and be lazy and it bothers him that i won't be productive. perhaps he just doesn't want to have to do mom and dad duty the entire weekend. i don't blame him. it isn't easy being both parents for a weekend. but i think it's something even more ridiculous, more selfish. he wants to try and "reconnect" and put on a happy family show for his mother and siblings. he is so in love with the idea of things working out in our marriage that he has put on blinders to the fact that i'm not vested in it, that i'm done, that i'm moving on even if i'm not moving out. really pisses me off that he can be so arrogant to think that i can be made to feel guilty for wanting to have me time, for wanting to have more in my life than a failed marriage. that i just don't give a fuck if anyone likes my decision or not. i don't wanna go. i'm not gonna go and you can't make me. and it really doesn't matter what i do with the 48 hours. whether it is filled with adventures, sexual "truancy" to quote a friend, boredom, artistic endeavors, domestic duties or plain old fucking rock n'roll. doesn't matter really. it's mine. i've figured out his agenda, don't want to be a part of it and damn me, i'm feeling bratty and i'm staying put! here's to a blissful 48 hours.

october 21

October 21, 2009 - Wednesday

numbing sensation
Current mood: anxious
don't often find myself quoting pink floyd but this time, it seems only appropriate. "i have become comfortably numb". i've been there. generally involved a copious amount of weed and perhaps a few fresh shrooms but i've been there. it's purty there!

but right now, i'm just numb. the last few days have felt heavy, uncomfortable. i can't put my finger on the why's or how's but something is shifting. and we're not talking someone moving around the chairs. there is some serious, underlying, plate techtonics kind of shit going on. and i don't like it one little bit. nope. i'm not comfortable.

i like order, explanation. sounds odd since i tend to be somewhat organic with life in general, letting my heart take me where it feels a part of something. but a roadmap might be helpful about now. i can't find the answers, the order, the direction. instead i'm left with more and more questions. questions about my marriage, about my eating becoming a spiraling affliction, about this other man that i love, about how to do the right thing for my children, about what i really want in my life, about my creativity and how to direct it. it's all one big question. one big fucked up question that is overwhelming me.

so, what the hell AM i doing anymore? i just don't know. i have no answers right now. a few weeks ago i thought for sure that i had an inkling of an idea that had merit, a plan. something i could sink my teeth in and follow through. but not anymore. someone pulled the carpet out from under me and this concrete floor underneath is cold and hard. and i want that fucking carpet back.

i'm left with a feeling that is hollow. haven't felt this way in a very, very long time. anger, yep. passion, oh yeah. frustration, you betcha. but i'm having a hard time even feeling "love" right now and that's unusual for this little lady. i can generally find the good in most things, situations, times. but right now i don't feel anger, or hate, or love, or anything. i'm numb. but it's anything but comfortable.

so what's next. how do i move through this one when i can't even feel it? when i'm numb.