1. i'm anorexic, bulemic and a compulisive binge eater. currently i'm in the binge eating mode but i'm trying to shake it all together. i've often said that if i could take a pill and never have to think about food again that i would take it. it floods me.
2. i loath tomatoes. not just hate them or dislike food with tomatoes. i detest them to the point of obsession. really, really don't like them.
3. i love color. all color, any color, all the time. my favorite is probably green but don't tell the others.
4. hip hop music is some of my favorite music. i'm not talking about more modern rap/hiphop, although there is lots of good out there. i'm talking about de la soul, blacksheep, old school ll cool j, anything beastie boys and my all time favorite is a tribe called quest....i left my wallet in el segundo...i got to get it...i got got to get it. swear i was born in brooklyn but mother still denies it.
5. i trained as a dancer (predominantly ballet) from my 2nd birthday until i was around 16, some of which was with the florida ballet. i quit because my knees finally gave out....that and i discovered i wanted to party and have sex with boys, which is so much more fun than killing yourself in a studio 8 hours a day.
6. i have a tattoo i got during my bachelorette party in 98. it's a purple, cursive w for my husband's last name. granted, we weren't even married yet and no, i was not drunk at the time. just in love.
7. i weighed 98lbs when i graduated from high school, and i considered that really, really fat.see the anorexic note in #1. i think my left thigh weighs that now.
8. i've never been camping, hunting or fishing. i like air conditioning.
9. i like to watch jackass and i really think it would be fun to attempt some of the stunts. i also think johnny knoxville is crazy sexy.
10. this one's personal but explains so much about my struggles with lots of different issues. i am a survivor of rape and participate in some support groups here in jax. brutal, life changing, violent and cruel. it changed my very core and i am thankful for it everyday. sounds strange, but i would not be the wife, mother, friend, human being that i am if not for this.
11. i believe that forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give yourself.
12. i met my very best friend in the world on a school bus when i was 15. i should preface it by saying that neither of us were dorks but instead were in need of some wheels for a couple of months. we both met older boyfriends a few months later and never stepped foot on that bus again. back to the story. she could eat an apple without her lips ever touching the skin of the apple. i knew we would be great friends because she was everything i wasn't. she's still my best friend 21 years later. love you, you crazy apple eating whore!
13. i really don't like dogs. they smell bad. they lick you. they jump and scratch you and have bad breath. i've tried to like dogs, really i have but i just prefer cats. they are self sufficient, loners, bitchy and completely unapologetic. i respect them for it.
14. when i die, i want to be cremated and then buried in a little debbie swiss cake roll box. seriously, i've even made it part of my will even though my attorney advised me not to make such silly decisions. i told him it wasn't silly and smacked him in the head with an oatmeal pie.
15. i am not afraid of dying but hope it doesn't happen until i'm old but not too old. god has a plan so when he takes me, i'll be ready.
16. i have severe depression and anxiety yet am often considered happy go lucky. zoloft must be working!
17. whatever you want to believe is your right and you should not be persecuted because of it. if it doesn't hurt others, you are not infringing on my freedom of speech or my personal rights and space, then more power to you.
18. i believe in god and have a relationship that is strictly between me and the big man. i will not iimpose my beliefs on you nor judge you for yours.
19. i pray everyday that i am doing the right thing with my children. that they will know how much they are loved, valued and accepted unconditionally.
20. i have little to no body hair, seriously, it's weird, yet both of my children are hairy beasts. poor abby will be shaving her legs soon or we'll have to start braiding those things!
21. i hope my kids think i'm cool. i know they won't in a few years but i love the fact that they love me for who i am and don't want another mommy. talk to me in another 5 years & it will be really, really different.
22. i went to a psychologist after high school and went through a series of test to find out my strengths and weaknesses. this was in order to find out my true "calling". they told me i would be most successful as an auto mechanic or a starving artist.
23. although i believe in being faithful and that mark and i will be married the rest of our lives, i do not believe in one soul mate. i just don't get it.
24. i got my first bra in 3rd grade and was a DD by the 6th grade. sounds like fun but it was truly, truly hell growing up with that body!
25. i've never been in a physical altercation. however, i have often wanted to punch someone square in the nose. not anyone in particular but it has crossed my mind during many arguments.
26. i don't really have a filter when it comes to talking about myself. if you want to know it, i'll tell you. even if you don't want to know it, i'll probably tell you. i try not to be ashamed or embarassed of anything i've done or said in my life, but that's hard. you can't change the past. i've done some horrible things and some incredible things. do i like me all the time, no. who does? i do think i'm a work in progress and am proud to be putting one foot in front of the other every single day of my life. i just hope that i can learn from my mistakes, forgive myself and move forward to be a better woman, friend, wife, mother, human being. isn't that what we all want?
Monday, November 30, 2009
holy crap...this sucks!
Current mood:
anxious well, good fucking morning to you!!!!
so that was what i got this morning at 8am. i was going to write about how much more grounded, solidly i feel that my marriage is over. after having a weekend with just the kids, and a visit from this new love, have reinforced my willingness to move forward. how even though i've been trying to go through the motions, that it is really over and i can't fake it for one more minute. that i am going to muster everything i have to make it a nice christmas but after that, i'm on my way. i was going to write about how much i need to step away from mark, start fresh, find a career, move in the right direction. and i suppose all of those things are very true, still very pertinent but have been overshadowed by his loathsome, hateful words. and these are just a few of the many, many lashings he gave me this morning.
i wasn't careful enough covering my tracks this weekend. i really wasn't careful at all. i suppose i didn't want to be. i wanted him to find out. not consciously but i wanted mark to put his foot down and say enough is enough. you hear that people do it. leave out evidence or the like not knowing that they will get caught but subconsciously wanting to be found out. i'm just sorry it ended up with him hating me, thinking that i'm some brazen hussy who wants him to finance my affair. he told me this morning that i "want to have my cake and eat it too". ha, how right he was (see previous blog about such).
he found out that i took him out to dinner on saturday night and then had him over to our house, in our bed, overnight. he found out because i told him i went to dinner, etc. with girlfriends and he just knew it wasn't the truth so he checked up on me. went behind me and did some research. can't be mad at him for being smart, just mad at myself for getting caught the way that i did.
well, needless to say, mark went bananas. and now i find myself holding what's left of my self esteem in a steaming pile next to me. he has calmed down but is still incredibly angry and hurt, and rightfully so. the guilt, humiliation and self hatred are enormous. i feel like the worst, more deplorable person. i not only cheated on my husband, which was just an outward sign of what had been done years and years ago. but then i couldn't say goodbye to him. i fell in love. hard. real. fully in love. and i brought him back here. to a house that my husband pays for with his hard work. damn, i look like such a heartless, cold bitch and i don't blame him for saying nasty things to me. i'm ashamed and it fucking sucks ass!
i stay here and take care of the kids but honestly don't have a cent to my name. and i don't have a career or formal education to fall back on. granted i've talked about all the ways that i do have a support system but it has come down to this. me. just me. moving out. moving on. finding a job. still being a good mom but standing on my own two feet. i'm about to leave this cushy lifestyle behind, go back to a life pre-mark and start over. start all over. in some ways it feels like starting over from scratch. in other ways, it feels right in the most peculiar, uncomfortable way. very strange indeed.
it won't be an easy road, i've known that from the start. it's just that now the road is most certainly being paved by me and my actions. and it's time for that trust in myself, not in doing the "right" thing but in doing the right thing for me, that instinctive guttural self preservation to kick into full gear.
for now, i am treading water. trying to keep my head above so i don't sink to the bottom. i'll continue treading as long as i have to. i'm a pretty tough cookie but even this one has me rattled.
on to plan b.......whatever that is?
Friday, November 27, 2009
my cup runneth over
Current mood:
content i overextended myself and cooked until i didn't enjoy it anymore. that in and of itself is such a shame since i do love to cook and even played around with the idea of being a chef when i was younger. yeah well, the last few days of cooking in my 1944 barely big enough for one asshole kitchen wiped those dreams far out of my head. i attended a preschool event, an elementary school event, a girlfriends night out event and got little sleep over the last 7 days.
i attended not one turkey day but two. oh yeah, because everyone should have to eat thanksgiving dinner with two families on two days. wednesday night was spent with mark's sister and her family. the turkey is always dry and the rest of the food is just cafeteria style and not up my alley. they are nice people and all but are catholic conservatives who consider board games to be the evenings' risque entertainment. so i just kept my mouth shut and tried not the make too much eye contact. worked out pretty well but i was still ready to go home as soon as i had arrived. can you say uncomfortable?
then last night i had to deal with my insane family members, most of whom need massive amounts of alcohol to be considered tolerable at such events. mom called dad a royal asshole and bitched about well, everything. dad just got shitfaced, which explains the asshole comment. my aunt and uncle continued to dictate the political conversation with their right wing extremist views. my brother decided that thanksgiving dinner, surrounded by not just family but also my parents friends, would be a good time to talk about the kkk, the american confederacy and the fact that he knows everything about everything! all of this might be well and good in other circles but at family dinner, on thanksgiving, oh yeah. they all opened up a big ole ball of crazy last night. crazy fuckers!!!
so i sat there, next to my husband, playing the part of a happy family so my extended family and friends wouldn't ask questions. i'm not ready to answer anyone just yet, thank you very much. granted, i was faking it and wanted to snap my fingers and be somewhere else half of the time. some people could say i was being the crazy person. but i still felt incredibly sane. sane for the first time in a very, very long time. i felt like the only clearly thinking person in a group of dis-functional, hypocritical, denial laden screwballs that i call my family.
this all may sound like i'm not thankful at all. that i'm some selfish little bitch. that may be the case. hell, half of the people in this country don't have nearly as much as i do on my plate, both figuratively and literally. and i am thankful for all of the "things" that are in my life, that i'm privileged to experience. i sometimes take them for granted but i am never ungrateful. my cup truly does "runneth over".
but this year i'm thankful for the clarity. i'm thankful that i finally seem to be making my own decisions. i'm thankful that my kids are a super cool part of my life. i'm thankful that i'm able to not only decipher what i want and don't want but i'm also willing to ask for such. i'm thankful to love and be loved by so many people. i'm thankful for my crazy ass family.
and i'm incredibly thankful right here, right now. for this hot cuppa, two cute, cuddly kids and a beautiful friday after thanksgiving.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
not a coincidence
Current mood:
weird that's right. it's the date of my 20 year high school reunion. in all likely hood, i will be attending said torturous evening. and in all likely hood i will not be walking in with my husband on my arm. instead i'm hoping to find a much more pleasing escort who just happens to have graduated along with me. i'm gonna have to seriously work my magic to talk him into it though. and boy do i have a long way to go before i'm worthy of hot girlfriend status again.
gulp. sigh. i feel nauseous just thinking about it.
the subject came up last night during dinner with two friends, one of whom graduated right along with me in 1990. she wants to go to this little soiree with hundreds of people we barely know. probably because she's even more beautiful and charming than she was as a teenager....bitch. me, on the other hand, not so much diggin the idea. the royal blue polyester was a crowning achievement in my 17 years and i wore it proudly. however, i never thought i would warm to the idea of a "reunion". what's the point, really? we already have the voyeuristic tools we crave with social networking sites. besides, i was never a super popular kid or a huge nerd or could really be put into a category per say. i knew lots of people, yes, but i really don't have anything to prove. but i am curious in a shallow and vacant way so i'll probably be there.
but i'm mulling over the idea. so after dinner last night, and a little time with the man i hope will be my date for said event (you are listening, right!), i looked at a calendar. curiosity i suppose but here's the weird part.........
the date of the reunion is a saturday which means that this past summer, july 17th was, you guessed it, a friday. and i don't know why but i went back to my journal for that same date this past summer. just a few short months ago. and i was floored to find that on july 17th this year, i was writing about what a fantastic southern barbecue lunch i had just shared with an old friend. about the rain that followed on the way home. how i was late for my sitter. i had written about how much i enjoyed seeing him again, after all these years, that i felt like i could say anything to him. how i was instantly attracted to him and how wrong that seemed given the fact that i was married. in that entry i questioned whether it was a good idea to see him again, even as a friend, because something felt different. there was a connection perhaps but definitely not something i should pursue. i even used the word "dangerous" to describe how he made me feel.
and with that, i was speechless. how on earth could it be that i was on a friendly lunch date with him just a few months ago and now i'm looking at that same date, 1 year later, and contemplating the cost of liposuction? i don't know about other folks, but i don't believe in coincidence.
fate, perhaps. destiny, sometimes. luck, oh, i'm definitely lucky. but coincidence.....
now i know why i bought those ruby slippers in the first place.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
november 21....spooked
Current mood:
uncomfortable holy shit! no more reading my horoscopes. they have been frighteningly accurate these days. seriously, it's starting to freak me out just a bit. and here's the funny thing....i think the web accessed horoscopes are a bunch of hooey so i have never, ever put much thought or merit into them.
however, the last few weeks i have stumbled upon the posts and read them, often times after the days have passed. and what i've found is an eerie consistency. i do think that an individual with an imagination can take any situation, any words and make them what they want to hear. i know for a fact that i've done it without even knowing. taken something said, blow it up into what i want or don't want to hear and act upon that feeling. leaves you wondering about the truth when that happens.
but i don't think i'm doing that with these little nuggets of info. instead, i've been curious. i think it's interesting, fun when i read something that is familiar, appropriate. when the possibility that these predictions based on my time and date of birth are even slightly accurate, well, i think it's just kind of cool.
although i probably won't read one for a couple of days, i'm sure i will go back to it again next week sometime. but for now, i'm shutting this shit down. it's got me spooked!
however, the last few weeks i have stumbled upon the posts and read them, often times after the days have passed. and what i've found is an eerie consistency. i do think that an individual with an imagination can take any situation, any words and make them what they want to hear. i know for a fact that i've done it without even knowing. taken something said, blow it up into what i want or don't want to hear and act upon that feeling. leaves you wondering about the truth when that happens.
but i don't think i'm doing that with these little nuggets of info. instead, i've been curious. i think it's interesting, fun when i read something that is familiar, appropriate. when the possibility that these predictions based on my time and date of birth are even slightly accurate, well, i think it's just kind of cool.
although i probably won't read one for a couple of days, i'm sure i will go back to it again next week sometime. but for now, i'm shutting this shit down. it's got me spooked!
Libra
A more serious tone to the issues of property, housing and your living circumstances should be applied at this time. You may be feeling the current circumstance of your home life doesn't offer adequate room for mental or emotional expansion, not to mention the fact that there may be limited space for you to do anything you wish. Now is the time to be out house hunting or looking for an alternative to the current situation.
Libra Love Horoscope
If it feels right, go ahead, no matter how far out of reach it seems! This is a time when inspiration goes hand in glove with opportunity, so be ready to take a risk and strike while the iron is hot. Save the extra stuff that you don't have time to implement right away, it'll be just as valuable down the line.
november 20....the questioning begins
Current mood:
adored i am part pissed and ready to vent.....
that's how i felt when i was asked recently if i was "shopping" for a new husband. seriously. a grown woman asked me if i was shopping for a new husband. well, why else would i want to get a divorce, right? you simply must be married. don't you want to get married again? why wouldn't you want to get married again? that's what you need to do.
what the fuck? of course, this friend also told me that i needed to get my ass in shape if i was going "back on the market"....great friend, huh? like i'm a fucking piece of meat. honestly, i kept picturing some absurd auction with divorced women wearing numbers pranced around in their best dresses and presenting suitors with their best apple pie. will they be the lucky girl who gets picked? will their fine physique, tastefully chosen dress or their ability to cook a good pie win them a new husband....a better husband. only so many men to go around, right?
FUCK THAT! pretty self explanatory that i disagree with the questioning and refuse to answer such nonsense. but next came another feeling.
i am part introspective.....
it did get me thinking. alright, so say that mark is completely out of my life as a partner. it is certainly looking that way. granted, he will still always be a provider for the kids and for a while he will have to support me (he's gonna hate that). but he's gone. i'm alone as an individual, parenting as a pair but no longer a partner in life. no man around on a consistent basis to do what a man does.
what is that exactly? what is it that i'm tossing aside that is so incredibly valuable and makes me whole? without it, aren't i still whole? yep, i think i'm just fine. i do love mark. he gave me these beautiful children. he gave me love, although not fulfilling for me, he gave it. he gave me many, many years. i would never discredit him for his commitment to our life together. but it's always been a commitment to something hollow. it's as much my fault as his. choosing to push the lack of partnership to the side. deciding that i was fine, even if i wasn't. i lied to myself and to him. the guilt is overwhelming but what's done is done.
and although i'm thoroughly enjoying this new love in my life, who appears to be unshaken by all of this, is it real? will it last? are we simply serving a purpose for one another right here, right now and when it ends, it ends. that it will end eventually? doesn't feel like it will, i hope it doesn't, but again, so many unanswerable questions about that relationship. i know how i feel about it. he knows how i feel about it but there are no guarantees. are there ever any guarantees? i got married with a guarantee that i would stay committed to it for the rest of my life, a commitment i took seriously. and now look at me. i'm in a holding pattern.
so essentially i am saying that i would rather take the risk of being alone, lonely at times, than being with mark any longer? so that led me to another feeling.....
i am part questioning....
i'm not questioning my intentions. my intentions are to provide something more for myself and eventually for all of my family, including mark. i'm very clear about the intention of ending this partnership. life is too short. cliche, yes. appropriate, abso-fucking-lutely.
instead i question whether i would ever get married again? do i even want to get married again? certainly i think that marriages can work. but just like all relationships, they take work, communication, trust, honesty, openness, some great fulfilling sex, a willingness to make yourself available. placing another persons needs right along your own, not above them or below them but as equal billing.
do i have that with mark...no. could i have it with mark if i tried more....i don't think so. could i have it with someone else....yes, i think i could. not sure that i believed i could until recently but my eyes have been opened. i'm feeling full, understood, happy, calm. not sure that has ever happened before but i'm rollin with it for as long as i can.
so would i get married again? yes, but the next time around, well, would be different. so what would it look like, to get married again?
i want to have someone fit me. not have to try and fit me. compromise, yes, but change the essence of the person, no way. i think when i married mark i considered the wedding band to be a symbol of belonging to him. that i was now tied to him. no matter the cost. the only way i would wear a band again is if it symbolized what i think it should truly represent. what is that? that the band is an extension of one person to the other. a multiplying of yourself. a desire to be more, to multiply your love. a symbol of a commitment, yes, but a commitment that includes you instead of an exchange of yourself. i don't ever want to think of it again as an exchange of rings but instead as a joining of them. isn't that what it's suppose to be about anyway?
most of all, i don't ever want to pretend again. i don't want to hide myself. i'm not a trophy wife, never have been, never will be. i'm beyond low maintenance physically and i would likely look a hell of a lot better if vanity were a concern but alas, it's just not my thing. i am trying to shave my legs more often so hopefully i won't scare any suitable men away.
where was i? oh yeah, i want to be able to live vividly, have someone appreciate and love *all* of me, not just some of it. i want to love someone and have them love me madly in return. so if it happens, that would certainly be lovely. and if it doesn't, at least i can love myself.
that's how i felt when i was asked recently if i was "shopping" for a new husband. seriously. a grown woman asked me if i was shopping for a new husband. well, why else would i want to get a divorce, right? you simply must be married. don't you want to get married again? why wouldn't you want to get married again? that's what you need to do.
what the fuck? of course, this friend also told me that i needed to get my ass in shape if i was going "back on the market"....great friend, huh? like i'm a fucking piece of meat. honestly, i kept picturing some absurd auction with divorced women wearing numbers pranced around in their best dresses and presenting suitors with their best apple pie. will they be the lucky girl who gets picked? will their fine physique, tastefully chosen dress or their ability to cook a good pie win them a new husband....a better husband. only so many men to go around, right?
FUCK THAT! pretty self explanatory that i disagree with the questioning and refuse to answer such nonsense. but next came another feeling.
i am part introspective.....
it did get me thinking. alright, so say that mark is completely out of my life as a partner. it is certainly looking that way. granted, he will still always be a provider for the kids and for a while he will have to support me (he's gonna hate that). but he's gone. i'm alone as an individual, parenting as a pair but no longer a partner in life. no man around on a consistent basis to do what a man does.
what is that exactly? what is it that i'm tossing aside that is so incredibly valuable and makes me whole? without it, aren't i still whole? yep, i think i'm just fine. i do love mark. he gave me these beautiful children. he gave me love, although not fulfilling for me, he gave it. he gave me many, many years. i would never discredit him for his commitment to our life together. but it's always been a commitment to something hollow. it's as much my fault as his. choosing to push the lack of partnership to the side. deciding that i was fine, even if i wasn't. i lied to myself and to him. the guilt is overwhelming but what's done is done.
and although i'm thoroughly enjoying this new love in my life, who appears to be unshaken by all of this, is it real? will it last? are we simply serving a purpose for one another right here, right now and when it ends, it ends. that it will end eventually? doesn't feel like it will, i hope it doesn't, but again, so many unanswerable questions about that relationship. i know how i feel about it. he knows how i feel about it but there are no guarantees. are there ever any guarantees? i got married with a guarantee that i would stay committed to it for the rest of my life, a commitment i took seriously. and now look at me. i'm in a holding pattern.
so essentially i am saying that i would rather take the risk of being alone, lonely at times, than being with mark any longer? so that led me to another feeling.....
i am part questioning....
i'm not questioning my intentions. my intentions are to provide something more for myself and eventually for all of my family, including mark. i'm very clear about the intention of ending this partnership. life is too short. cliche, yes. appropriate, abso-fucking-lutely.
instead i question whether i would ever get married again? do i even want to get married again? certainly i think that marriages can work. but just like all relationships, they take work, communication, trust, honesty, openness, some great fulfilling sex, a willingness to make yourself available. placing another persons needs right along your own, not above them or below them but as equal billing.
do i have that with mark...no. could i have it with mark if i tried more....i don't think so. could i have it with someone else....yes, i think i could. not sure that i believed i could until recently but my eyes have been opened. i'm feeling full, understood, happy, calm. not sure that has ever happened before but i'm rollin with it for as long as i can.
so would i get married again? yes, but the next time around, well, would be different. so what would it look like, to get married again?
i want to have someone fit me. not have to try and fit me. compromise, yes, but change the essence of the person, no way. i think when i married mark i considered the wedding band to be a symbol of belonging to him. that i was now tied to him. no matter the cost. the only way i would wear a band again is if it symbolized what i think it should truly represent. what is that? that the band is an extension of one person to the other. a multiplying of yourself. a desire to be more, to multiply your love. a symbol of a commitment, yes, but a commitment that includes you instead of an exchange of yourself. i don't ever want to think of it again as an exchange of rings but instead as a joining of them. isn't that what it's suppose to be about anyway?
most of all, i don't ever want to pretend again. i don't want to hide myself. i'm not a trophy wife, never have been, never will be. i'm beyond low maintenance physically and i would likely look a hell of a lot better if vanity were a concern but alas, it's just not my thing. i am trying to shave my legs more often so hopefully i won't scare any suitable men away.
where was i? oh yeah, i want to be able to live vividly, have someone appreciate and love *all* of me, not just some of it. i want to love someone and have them love me madly in return. so if it happens, that would certainly be lovely. and if it doesn't, at least i can love myself.
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