july 26th...the boyfriend list

the boyfriend list
Current mood:  amused 

 

While my life remains on the fence, my children have found a way to keep me sitting tall and feeling like I'm on top of the world, even when I'm not. The other night my daughter (we will call her A) who is 9 could not sleep. She continues to have a difficult time sleeping in the same room as her little brother (we will call him B) who is almost 6. The poor child has never had to share a room with anyone, let alone a little brother who thinks that farting on command is a good thing. Needless to say she has a hard time some nights. As much as I would like her to sleep so I too can get some rest there have been some advantages to these late nights. One of those advantages are the incredibly honest and humorous conversations we have while trying to figure out how to get to sleep.

The other night we started talking about the divorce and who I would be interested in dating as soon as I'm divorced from fucktard. Little do they know that I'm already quite happy but it was so much fun to hear some of the things they think I should find attractive in a companion. Without further ado...

He must have some, if not all, of the following qualities. These are in the order in which they were blurted out and each child took turns. Some of them are outrageous and some of them are incredibly telling and sweet. As they talked, I typed. That way I would never forget what they had to say about Mommy's future romantic partner.

(A) He has to have a sense of humor.
(B) He has to be okay with bloody noses and wet paper towels (B has a bunch).
(A) You know that Daddy won't like him, right mom?
(B) He has to be really cool. Daddy will get even more anger if he's cool.
(B) He has to like wearing underpants.
(A) He has to like diet coke or at least not mind that you drink too much of it.
(A) He has to be a good looking rock star who doesn't smoke
(B) He should like playing with electrical things.
(B) He has to like books and reading.
(A) He needs to know a lot about math so he can help me with my homework.
(A) He should like all animals and nature.
(B) He should definitely like baby seals.
(B) Oh, and i have a beautiful one...he should like sweet baby kittens (said while batting his eyelashes in a squeaky voice).
(B) He should like flowers and he should give them to you sometimes.
(B) He definitely has to like aliens because they are real, right mom?
(A) He has to like Harry Potter books and movies. It would be really cool if he knew the characters so we could talk about them.
(B) He has to be super nice. If he's not then i'll throw my stinky underpants at him - and i mean it!!!
(A) He has to like soft things like our blankies and stuffed animals.
(B) He should like kids who wear underpants on their heads because we like to do that.
(A) He has to take a shower but can't take up all the hot water. No stinky guys.
(A) No lazy guys who watch too much TV (B) You mean like Daddy? (A) Yeah, Daddy is lazy.
(B) He has to like cartoons.
(A) He has to be active.
(B) He has to like the Foo Fighters.
(A) He has to like taking pictures and stuff that's artistic.
(B) His favorite number is 100.
(B) He has to like us and not be mean to us.
(A) He could work at Camp Montgomery (A's favorite sleepover summer camp).
(B) He should be nice to mommy and tell her she has big legs (B seems to believe this is a compliment).
(B) He should take care of you when you are sick. (A) Yeah, Daddy never did that. You deserve that, Mommy.
(A) He has to like kids going into kindergarten and 4th grade.
(B) He draws for Cartoon Network and then he could draw all the characters I like.
(A) He can work at Zoe's (a favorite restaurant), Wendy's or maybe Target.
(A) He should know how to cook.
(A) He should know how to fix your car since Daddy doesn't know anything about cars.
(B) He could be a skydiver.
(A) He likes to do water stuff and sports.
(A) Or he could be an Orthodontist.
(B) He likes your bras. I like the black ones, Mom.
(B) He likes soft pillows.
(B) It would be really, really cool if he could build us a haunted house.
(A) Yeah, a real big one that we can invite my friends to see at Halloween.
(B) Yeah, and maybe he could even put in spooky lights and sounds and stuff. That would be Awesome!!!
(A) It doesn't really matter to me, Mom, but he has to be nice and like the three of us and he has to be extra super nice to you.
(B) Yeah, and tell you that you're beautiful even when you don't take a shower and smell good.

I think this list pretty much speaks for itself and for the love and humor our little family shares together. All I know is that whoever ends up being able to live up to this list is a lucky man (and I would be a lucky woman with a wicked cool haunted house!). He not only gets to enjoy my company but he also gets the privilege of knowing two incredibly witty, smart, kind hearted children. And hey, if he isn't nice then he better watch out for those dirty underpants. B has one hell of an arm on him!

july 8th...what's in a name?

What's In A Name?
Current mood:fan-damn-tastic!

..............

I was just sitting here preparing to write this blog that has been in my head for the past two weeks. It’s been started, stopped, dictated and scratched. Never quite feels right. As I was thinking of how I would describe my decision to get this tattoo I came to the realization that it’s just not necessary. I honestly don’t feel like I have to defend it, considering I am a grown woman and all, so it’s not about that. It’s more about never forgetting why I decided to get this particular tattoo on this particular part of my body at this particular time in my life. However, I don’t think I’ll ever need to be reminded of the why’s and where’s. I’m not sure that I could put into words how much the damn thing means to me anyway.

Instead I want to remember what it represents to me. It represents freedom, love, perseverance, unwrapping, unfolding. This list goes on and on but one thing that it represents, without a shadow of a doubt, is being comfortable in my own skin. Iris Morning-Dew, the alter ego inspired by a ridiculously silly name generator, has become a part of me. Iris is the name of my photography business, the name of the person I found buried beneath years of pain and frustration, the name of a beautiful woman with a big heart. Just so happens that woman is me.

And so I have etched into my skin an image in the shape of a winged heart which is based on a piece by Raymond Pettibon. The name that forms the heart in the middle was designed by yours truly because I really wanted it to be my own. It might look eerily similar to one that is sported on the arm of the man who has stolen my heart but it’s really not about him. Although, according to my love, since we have somewhat matching tattoos we are now officially married in biker terms. I kind of like that idea since I don’t see either of us being the "band of gold" wearing type of married again. 

Back to my point, if I even had one...

Granted, I never would have realized who Iris really was without him but it’s more than just finding love. We were just talking the other day and I told him that I have been loved before and felt loved by those men. But not once, out of all of those men who I loved in return, have I ever believed what they were saying. There’s an enormous difference between being loved by someone else and loving yourself. But when you find someone who actually helps you love yourself, well, there isn’t anything better. That is precisely what this wonderful man has done for me.

He has helped me appreciate and love me. As is, no questions asked. I think I’ve stated before that I’m not sure that I believe in soul mates and I still stand behind that statement. Maybe. But when you find a person who stirs your soul the way he has for me, you can’t imagine your life without them.

And so it begins. Life doesn’t wait for everything to be just right and just so. After all, I’m still married, jobless, lacking real direction but like I said, life doesn’t wait around for a perfect time. Instead it decides where to take you and you have no choice but to steer yourself in that general direction. I feel like the end of a chapter is nearing and the beginning of a happier one is just beginning. I don’t know what my future will hold but I’m going into it with something I have never had before. I have a sense of appreciation and love for me.

My name is Iris and I am fan-damn-tastic!

july 8th...flip that switch!

flip that switch!
Current mood:  imaginative

..............

It’s dark in here. Can anyone help me turn the lights back on? I’m starting to get a little frightened. What’s that you say? The light switch can only be reached by me and me alone? But can’t you just do it for me? The switch is right next to you. No? You can’t? Well then I’m fucked!

That about sums up the way I felt a few weeks ago. It was dark and lonely and no matter what I did, or what the people who love me did, I could not flip that fucking switch. As hard as I tried to pull myself up and out nothing seemed to work. Until I hit the bottom. Granted, I’ve been lower. Fuck, I’ve been with a narcissistic control freak for 14 years. I know a thing or two about hitting the bottom. The difference was that this time around I was the only person who could do anything about it. I have a penchant for being able to hide behind all sorts of things and people to avoid the real issues. I’ve got talent that way!

It’s unusual for me to stay “down” as long as I did this time. Then again, I'm surprised it took this long to happen. I always have highs and lows, just like most people with depression and anxiety, but it’s rare that the episodes last for more than a day or two tops. Alleluia for Zoloft!

This time I think the straw that broke the camels back was a 1-2 punch. The first punch came in the form of rest. By rest I mean honest to goodness physical recharging and care. Hell, I still wake up and don’t feel like I’ve slept well but it is getting better all the time. The second punch was the emotional exhaustion. I was running on empty, didn’t feel like I had anything left to give anyone else let alone myself and I was certain that this was the end of what little fight I had in me. Although both of those things contributed, it wasn’t just that. It wasn’t one thing in particular that caused it and it wasn’t one thing in particular that helped turn it around. Instead it’s all just a balancing act between madness and the ability to cope with the madness. I gave up on thinking that life wasn’t made up of madness long ago and now am just happy to be able to cope with it.  

Thankfully the darkness has been replaced with rainbows and sunshine. I feel like I’m all aglow! Hell, I half expect a unicorn to come galloping by soon. I feel like I radiate goodness. The reality is that I probably look no different than I did a month ago but I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted. I was faced with a sobering reality. The reality was a look in the mirror, and not in the physical sense. I mean a real, honest to goodness peeling back of insecurities, inadequacies, failures, all of which led to a very dark place and now one of incredible light.

What I found was that behind all of the darkness was a real inner light….stay with me here since I’m going all hippie on your ass…. Seems that I’ve been hiding behind all the negative opinions I have of myself and what sits below the surface is a woman who knows something about self worth, integrity, honesty and preservation. I value myself, deep down, value who and what I have become. I’m me. That’s it and I can’t give anything else. Feels good to see some light in the dark…don’t you just love it when you find the dad-gum switch?

june 22nd...i need (fill in the blank)

i need (fill in the blank)
Current mood:  frustrated 

I saw my therapist yesterday and we discussed several topics, which is usually the case. The thing that came up time and time again is my lack of direction. I’m not talking about lack of motivation or lack of long and short term goals, just simply direction.

I’ll give you an example. Over the past several weekends I have had more time to myself than usual. Instead of putting that time to use, whether to be productive or to just relax and have some me time, I sit idle. Best way to describe it. It’s not lazy, it’s not a mile a minute (which is my usual temperament) but instead I become simply idle. Unable to do things but my motor is running the entire time. It makes for a very stressful internal struggle. It’s beginning to take its toll on me and I am not my usual self.

For whatever reason, whether it is that the last year has been non-stop or because the stress involved in such has been overwhelming, I have not had a lot of down time. Now, suddenly, things are beginning to level out just a smidge. The kids are doing some summer camps here and there, there is a visitation schedule in place, both kids will be in elementary school in august which frees up an enormous amount of time for me to pursue my own interests, the divorce seems to be coming to an inevitable end instead of a looming one and I am finally feeling a little freedom.

That’s it. It’s the freedom. What the fuck am I suppose to do with that? I have longed for it and now I’m beginning to see it come to fruition. But what the hell do I do with it? Huh? I have made it out of a toxic environment with the help of so many great people. I am surrounding myself with nothing but an incredible support system. I am having fun. I am so deeply in love and loved in return that I feel like I might burst. I am being a good mother and a friend and a daughter and a human being. But when it comes to me deciding what I should do, I’m lost. Completely, utterly, significantly lost!

Sue, the head shrinker extraordinaire, asked me yesterday what I “need” to feel like myself. Do I need more time with the kids, less time, more support, more accountability, more structure, more face time with the man who has stolen my heart, what is it that I need to feel comfortable? Great fucking question except that I can’t answer it to save my life!

What the hell do I need anyway? I have a pretty good idea of what I want. I want to live a full life surrounded by people who love and appreciate me. I want to make a difference in my children’s lives and set an example of what it means to enjoy your life, not just live it. I want to be creative and expressive. I want something that resembles health and vitality restored to this body. I want freedom from this goddamn fucking eating disorder. I want his love. I want to be able to make my own way and my own decisions. I want my life.

All of that is well and good but how the hell do I get there? How do I figure out what I need? This one might be a tougher nut to crack than the “I want” list but I have a feeling that if I don’t get the “I need” sorted out, the “I want” becomes unattainable. I’ve made it too far to give up now but this balancing act that I’m trying to find is elusive and some days seems out of reach.

Too far to give up now….too far.

june 18th...shhhhhhh

Shhhhhhh......
Current mood:desperate 

 

 

yesterday was yesterday, thank god, and today is a new day. i've made it a better one but felt like i needed to post this as a reminder of how low it got yesterday. how low i felt and how desperately i wanted some clarity. i did finally get some clarity, although it still didn't come during that silence. it came during another period of stillness....sleep. but that's another blog entirely.

..............

Do you ever just sit in silence? I use to do it all the time. I was especially fond of the quiet time when I was a child. Sounds odd but I loved being with my own thoughts, and mine alone, even at a young age. Over the past several years, I have all but forgotten what that silence feels like.

The quiet is more powerful than any words can hold for me. I find great comfort in the deafening nothing. It is and always has been the one way to get down to the heart of an issue, whether it’s good or bad. It has no choice but to spring forward and reveal the truth. Today was an especially quiet day. I had time to myself, too much time I’m afraid, and now I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted.

The old adage that silence is deafening couldn’t be truer than it is right now. I am quiet, I am still and yet nothing is coming forward. Perhaps I’m not being quiet enough? That must be the problem. Or maybe the chaos is drowning out the sound of nothing. I thought the quiet was just a noise all its own but now it is meshing with my sacred silence. Damn noise…who got peanut butter on my chocolate? Who got chocolate on my peanut butter?

I am simply not able to peel away this mask of discontent. What do I do now? Eat? Shop? Pray? Talk? Is giving up on the silence running away or is it simply giving up on something that’s not working properly? One way or another, the quiet seems lonely and hollow. It isn’t bringing me pleasure. It isn’t bringing me clarity. It isn’t restoring me and I need it desperately. Instead it’s washing through me, not over me. I just want that blanket of silence to cover me and clean me.

Don’t let me down stillness. I need you now more than ever!

june 16th...restoration

restoration
Current mood:  exhausted 

 

can i open my eyes yet? is it over finally? please just let me know when it's safe to look again?

THAT'S HOW IT FEELS!!!! i just want to fall into a deep sleep, unaware of anything that's happening around me and be woken by my prince charming with a passionate kiss. when i awake, all i want to hear is that i'm loved and that everything is safe again. i want it restored. i want to BE restored.

my tank is on empty, i'm running on reserves and today i hit a wall. an enormous, gigantic, hard wall and the funny part is that i didn't even see it coming. it literally jumped out in front of me and instead of putting on the brakes, i sped up to meet the fucker! the wall, as it turns out, was a compound of four elements. 1. not enough sleep 2. lack of focus 3. air conditioning out 4. food

let's start at the first item...sleep. so there have been a few nights here and there that have provided me with a restful night sleep but honestly, i can count them on my digits. additionally, they likely involved some intoxication and passionate sex, neither of which i have had this week. thankfully it's only wednesday so i won't count it out just yet. so i'm exhausted, physically and mentally, and as hard as i try to get to sleep on time, i find it impossible to sleep.

part two of my demise...focus. i couldn't focus on one task today. not even for a few minutes. it was as if i were on fire the entire day. bouncing here to there to here to there to god knows where. and i was in such a rush. not my usual scattered about, running around kind of rush but there was a sense of urgency in everything today yet i got nothing "finished". fuck!

the third part has me pissed....air conditioning. it's fucking 100F out and my A/C can't make up it's mind as to what it wants to do. one minute it's working beautifully, cooling us all off so nicely and the next minute it's spewing hot air. not exactly a great combo when there's a heat index of 107F. add to that two small children on summer break in a cozy apartment and we were all at our wits end. we thought it was resolved, after the A/C guy was here, but alas, it's decided to act up again. oh joy!!!

part four is just sad....food. i fucking hate food. i hate having to make decisions about what goes in my mouth - keep the dirty jokes, folks. i have no problem deciding what to put in my mouth as far as that's concerned. what i do find frustrating is picking nourishment. instead i go for the comfort, as usual, and end up making poor choices. they don't even feel like choices. it's a drug and right now i can't stop being a junkie. meanwhile i'm working out and getting in shape but i can't beat this demon called my eating disorder. makes everything else just seem magnified. the frustration is insurmountable!

around 5 o'clock today the wall went up. and when it did, i hit the floor hard. i couldn't help but cry. and when i cried, i kept on crying. and then i cried some more. two hours later i finally stopped. thankfully my wonderful mother lives a few blocks away, whisked my children to dinner and some play time with grandma. she saved my ass. i didn't want the kids to see me like this. granted, they've seen this old broad cry before and i have no shame in that but this took me over.

we all know i'm under an enormous amount of stress and pressure. we all know that there is no one who could do it all. so i'm not delusional thinking that there is a woman, or man for that matter, out there who wouldn't crack at one point or another given the same environment but FUCK THIS!!! i'm exhausted with being exhausted. i'm frustrated with being frustrated. i'm angry that i'm angry. and most of all i'm disappointed in being disappointed. can't i just fall into that deep sleep already and wake to a fairy tale. i just want the disney moving ending, is that too much to ask?

it is entirely too much to ask and it's not even what i really want. what would i learn from all of that time asleep anyway? i'll tell you what. nothing. absolutely nothing and unless i'm delving into some new part of me, then i'm bound to what i am right now. and right now, i ain't too happy. you know what i really want? i really just want to have a moment of clarity, a moment of silence, a moment where i can reconnect with the person underneath all this mess. just a moment so i can get my center back, so i can feel my purpose again. so i can feel something hopeful again. i need to be restored.

june 13th...welcome home, iris

Welcome Home, Iris
Current mood:  enlightened

..............

Today’s date is June 13^th. It comes around every year, guaran-damn-teed but this year is different. No real surprise there since I’ve voluntarily turned my entire life inside out.

12 years ago today I got married.

That’s right folks. It is my wedding anniversary. Not sure that a card would be appropriate at this time, you think? I swear I want to make a whole line of greetings cards specifically for divorce. Can you imagine walking into Target and going to the Divorce section? There could be sub-categories including “What the hell happened”, “I’m sorry I called you a Dickhole” and “Here’s your support check, you Fucking Bitch”. I think I might be on to something here.

So let’s get back to my anniversary. I have been thinking about it today. I didn’t care for the whole big wedding process and when I say big wedding I mean big “southern” wedding including bridesmaids, multiple showers, formal china, stemware and monogrammed linens. My wedding was a traditional, country club shindig with more guests than I care to remember. There was a full sit down dinner complete with complimentary wines, an open bar, music, family and friends and it was a pretty big deal.

It’s funny though because everyone, and I mean everyone, remembers my wedding fondly…my family knows how to throw a party and participate in one as well yet I was the only person who didn’t enjoy it. Instead I felt incredibly out of place. You know those weddings where the bride and groom dance and have a great time with their guests? You see this couple in love and being themselves and it is all about them? Well, that wasn’t me. Shithead was on the dance floor having a ball, my friends and family were having a great time but I have memories of just wandering around, trying to figure out what to do.

I remember one moment in particular. It was about halfway through the reception. I was standing in the “parlor” aka the bar area where there were long silk drapes, big couches, several seating areas and the large cherry wood bar. The area opens into an adjoining ballroom where the dinner tables and entertainment were located.  There are two sets of large wooden doors that separate the two spaces. Between those doors is an equally large framed mirror. So there I was, wandering around trying to figure out where I was supposed to be. It certainly wasn’t on the dance floor and it wasn’t at the bar and I didn’t dare try to sit down in my enormous dress. Instead I was just sort of standing there, holding a glass of wine.

I saw my reflection and it stopped me dead in my tracks. Most of the guests were in the ballroom but here I stood, alone, in a dress that I didn’t love, wearing too much makeup and toting overdone hair. Is that me? Is that really me? For a moment I lost my breath. I was looking at a stranger. I had just married a man that had no respect, no genuine appreciation for the person underneath this white smock of fabric. In fact, he wanted to change everything about me. He wanted someone else but then again, so did I. I will never, ever forget that moment. It was as if the entire world was moving in a blur of speed and here I was, standing, very still and very much alone.

I quickly realized there were people around and I excused myself to a private room. There I sat and cried for a while. I wasn’t sure what had just happened. Was I sad because I was making a mistake? Was I sad because this wasn’t the small, intimate wedding of my dreams? Was I sad because I would have been a mother at this exact time if not for the abortion? I couldn’t put my finger on it at the time. To this day I’m not sure what the tears were for specifically. But they were there and I knew that on this day, of all days, that there shouldn’t be anything but tears of joy. And yet I wasn’t joyful.

My mother recently asked me, after her best friend asked the question of her, why did I marry him? What was it about him in particular that made me wake up one day and say “this is the man I want to marry”? Good question and I wasn’t 100 percent sure of my answer when initially asked. After giving it some real thought and going through the past several months I now realize why I married him, or at least what I believe is the underlying reason.

He didn’t love me for me and that was perfect because I didn’t love me for me. Why in the world would I be with a man who expected something more? It makes sense and although it wasn’t an intentional thought at the time, I was very aware of his lack of faith in me. You see, he didn’t think I was capable of achieving much so guess what, I didn’t. And because he didn’t expect much from me, I didn’t expect much from myself. What it boils down to is that every time I started to see my own worth, I became scared. I was so scared that I ended a relationship with a good man who did believe in me. I broke off that relationship so that I could begin dating what would be my husband, just so I didn't have to face myself. Talk about denial!

I was scared of my own potential, of my own power and of my own genuine voice. Instead of being with a man who believed in me, I wanted to hide away and fade into being nothing. It’s all I believed that I could be and he provided a perfect hiding place. A man who didn’t believe in me was precisely what I wanted, but not at all what I needed.

The silver lining is made up of three very real things for me and the first part being my children. If I had never walked down that aisle with him, I would not have become a mother to my beautiful. They are worth every minute of this marriage and every minute of this divorce. For them alone I wouldn’t change a minute of the past 12 years. They have made that part of my life complete and I am a better person because of them.

The second part of the silver lining lies with the wonderful man that has made it this leap of faith with me. It's a much sweeter journey because of him. I believe that I had to love the wrong man in order to find the right man and he is the right one. Having him in my life, well, there aren’t enough words. Only one thing comes to mind and that is joy. He is my joy.

The final piece of the puzzle is yours truly. I am no longer in hiding. I’m here, unapologetic, determined for something better, determined for something more and loving who I am is the first step. And I do love who I am....wait, did I just say that? Man, my therapist is gonna shit a brick. I've been trying to get to this point for so long and I feel like I'm making real progress. I’m not perfect. I make mistakes. But I’m done hiding and I’m done not being myself. All these years I was in hiding, they weren’t a waste. They were precisely what I needed. I needed the escape from who I really am to appreciate just how much I like who I really am. I missed her. I missed Iris.

June 13^th will no longer be my wedding anniversary. It won’t be the day I remember getting married. Nope. Today I’ll celebrate the fact that I am here, that I am living my life as a mother, a lover, a woman, and a perfectly fallible person. It’s who I am and I love it. I love the genuine, nutty, scattered, artistic woman that I have become and that I’ve always been. Nope. No more hiding it. After all, the world seems to be responding quite nicely to “Iris”. I know I like her!