Current mood:
content “The good life starts only when you stop wanting a better one."
Couldn't say it any better myself but don’t ask me who said it because I have no clue. To be present, in the moment, living life right now, a good life and stop wanting what you think you want. Instead want what you have. Novel idea and one I’m living by these days. Just being happy to have what I have. It’s so very Oprah of me and feels a little corny and self righteous. Suppose I’ll start using the term “authentic self” soon too. If I do, please let me know so I can shut the hell up.
Over the past year or so I have reached out to reconnect with some people from my past. By past I mean teen years and young adulthood. I married fucktard at the ripe old age of 25 but in those 10 years prior, I packed in a whole lot of independent living. When I got married I chose to leave behind another life that was filled with some pretty interesting folks. Artists, smokers, your everyday Joe's just trying to figure out who they want to be when they grow up and all the while refusing to grow up. I have missed that part of my life. Just didn’t realize it missed me just as badly.
Yesterday I was blessed, and I do mean blessed in every sense of the word, to have brunch with some old friends. These are the kind of girls I hung with back in the day. They all know too much about my sordid escapades and I have a shitload of stories about them as well. Free spirited, wild, uninhibited creative minded goddesses that lived life without a burden. We went our separate ways, married, babies, adult life, the usual bullshit and responsible lifestyles. We all made compromises and changes along the way but somehow we are all the same kids under the adult layers. The same tenacious spirit lives in all of us and man alive, seeing it seep its way back into our lives is astounding. And now it’s coming full circle. Again. These fucking circles are everywhere I turn these days. Jeesh. Might just be time for that mandala tattoo I’ve been designing and pondering.
Anyway, I go to this brunch with these ladies, take in all of the good energy, the spirit of these women and I am again reminded that this is the right path for me. I get these little inklings that things are going exactly the way that they are meant to be. It can be good conversation with friends, a flicker in my children’s eye, the glance or touch I get from switch that lets me know he's real. Whatever it is, it is there. I get that warm feeling in my belly a lot lately and I’m becoming very comfortable with it. Makes me wonder how I ever went so long without feeling it.
I am happy with my life. It's not a shell anymore. I have less than I have ever had monetarily speaking but I am rich in every other way possible. I have no real income (gulp), a stack of paperwork thanks to the court system and a million reasons to want to bury my head in the sand or panic…or maybe both. But I don’t feel like hiding or freaking out. Sometimes the gravity becomes too much but the majority of the time I am moving along quite nicely. My photography business is taking off, I began taking college classes, I am working on my web design work (so someday I will have real income) and the mess that is my divorce from fucktard is progressing.
I’m living it. That was the key all along. To stop wanting more and start loving what you have. Everything that I do seems to point to the right path. I’m relishing in this beautiful man in my life. He loves me, I love him and we love bacon. It is just that perfectly simply with him. My kids bring me so much joy every day I can hardly contain myself. This reconnection to friends from long ago and some new ones along the way strengthens me and gives me hope. My family gives me the roots to keep growing and nurtures me in mind and body. And I’m actually starting to like myself more. I’m slightly happy with what I see in the mirror (slightly, I still have major issues). I may not look any different in the physical sense but I feel like I radiate.
Yes indeed. Life feels very sweet today. So sweet that I just want to coat it in chocolate, roll it in powdered sugar and eat it up, every last bite.
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