February 5...the four letter "f" word

the four letter "f" word
Current mood:  ninja 

 

..if you thought it was the word FUCK then you obviously don't know me very well and i suggest you hit the eject button before you become offended. on second thought, fuck it. i hope you stick around and see just how often i use the fucking word. if you're offended, fuck off. fucking fuckerton. it's fucktastic!

kay, that felt good. a little late evening profanity always wakes my ass up. but back to the subject at hand. the "f" word.

F.E.A.R.

you know it, you've felt it, you might be experiencing it right this very second. fear is a word i've never much cared for really and that's just based on how it sounds. has a tendency to be nasally and whiny which gets on my last fucking nerve. but besides the auditory factor alone, i don't like the general connotation. it sounds weak, defeatist, negative.

unfortunately, but entirely expected, i've been experiencing a large surge of fear, particularly in the last week. pretty hard not to feel like i'm going to shit my pants any second considering the facts that (a) i left fucktard after 14 years (b) have no job...or at least nothing steadily paying the bills (c) in the middle of a messy divorce (d) trying to raise two beautiful chillens (e) have no idea what is waiting behind door number 2. in all honesty, i'm scared of my own shadow right now. the fear takes over and sets me right back down in the same spot it decided to pick me up. to the concrete shoes i'm wearing tonight.

so what the hell am i so fucking scared of anyway? dissection time. i have always been scared of something. as a child, it was the closet at night. damned poltergeist movie did me in for good! as a teenager, it was being home alone accompanied by a fear of knives and fire. weird, huh? as a young woman, it was many things, but for a long time it was simply the feeling of being alone with myself. opening up and taking all the guts out and trying to put them back in...metaphorically of course. i was afraid i wouldn't know how to piece myself back together. i have always been scared of being a failure, of trying and not succeeding so why try at all? i know, defeatist and pathetic but it's the truth. 

fear has served many purposes for me over the years. but this fear i'm feeling now, it's the most fulfilling fear i've ever known. it is propelling me to do more, be more, see more. it's un-fucking-comfortable, at times it's desolate and lonely, other times i feel like it's the energy, the focus that i need. this change in the dynamic of fear in my life has really thrown me off center. i am accustomed to it serving one purpose only...holding me back from myself.

but guess what chicken butt (that one's for you, switch)? i'm fucking scared and i fucking love it. i have never been riddled with so much blinding fear in my entire life and yet i'm moving through it. how the hell is that even possible? me, pushing through it? granted, this past week i've been doing anything but facing the elephant in the middle of the room. i'm actually quite proud of how many distractions i have provided for myself. i do have a persuasive nature, even with myself. but it's time to shoot the fucking elephant and move on with it already.

so tonight, i'm enveloped with fear. the thought of my future, the future of my kids, the future of the people i love, failure as an artist, as a mom, as a woman. it has me emotional, edgy, contemplative, introspective and fucking fearful. and i've finally decided to use it for my benefit. damn, i had no idea i had this in me but now that i do, there's no looking back. i feel empowered with fear. i know your game and i'm taking you down like the ugly bastard fucking stepson you have become.

fear, consider yourself my bitch.