February 4....Neglect and Maintenance

Neglect and Maintenance

Current mood: bouncy




I am letting things go. Seems to be a recurring theme these days and it’s concerning me a great deal. Granted, letting things go is not a bad thing in theory or in practice if used in moderation. However, I am simply ignoring everything and that is no way to be productive. It's time for some maintenance.

Although I have pushed just about everything to the side including the state of my home, which looks like a tornado hit, I am neglecting myself the most. It’s not always a bad thing to let things go. Erma Bombeck once said something to the effect of “Cleanliness is in no way next to Godliness. I have never heard of anyone having a religious experience by scraping burned cheese from the inside of a toaster.” She makes an excellent, and funny, point. But this is out of control. I am a disaster area.

The thing that is really starting to get my goat is the fact that I just look like hell. All the time, pure unedited HELL!!!! I have a very sweet admirer who seems to think otherwise but frankly, I’m a little frightened when I see myself. For example; this morning I left the house in tattered jeans, didn’t take time to brush my hair, old t-shirt, sneakies with no socks and not a stitch of makeup on my very broken out skin and I went to both children’s schools, the bank and my head shrinker….all without caring how I must have looked, or smelled for that matter. By the way, the acne is incredibly frustrating for a 37 year old woman given that up until about 2 years ago had not one single pimple. As a teenager I had beautiful milky white skin with no blemishes at all. But as an adult, I look like a hormone crazed 15 year old….ok, so I act like one too but still, I am not amused.

Now this is no way to come across as someone who has it all together. In some ways that’s how I feel. Like I do have it all together but my god, I’m a frightening sight. And as vain as it may sound, it really, really bothers me. I’ve never been a beautiful woman straight out of bed in the morning and I’m really very low maintenance. I don’t dry my hair, I don’t iron my clothes, and it doesn’t take me an hour to get ready. I’m a granola and it shows. But somehow it’s become a neglectful situation and it’s feeding my insecurity.

The majority of the women in my family are incredibly vain. My aunt, my late Grandmother and my mother are all beautiful woman. Always well dressed, makeup, hair, jewelry, all of it wrapped neatly into little 5’2” frames, especially my Mom. She is well put together and confident. I remember as a kid wondering why mom never left the house without her hair perfectly coifed, her clothes beautiful pressed and well appointed. I thought it was vain, shallow and completely unnecessary. Why on earth couldn't she walk into her own driveway to pick up her paper without every hair in place? It was so irrational and really irritated me as a teenager.

But as an adult, I understand that it wasn’t a vanity issue per se but instead a choice. She chose to get up early, to make herself feel beautiful. For her it meant spending endless time getting her hair just right. It meant pressing every crease into her khakis. But it provided her with a springboard to feel that she could accomplish anything that day. That no matter what happened, where she went, what she did, she felt beautiful doing it. I can respect that and admire the fact that she spends time on herself and is unapologetic about the fact that it takes her over an hour to get ready.

I want to be that confident again. I’m not my mother and still refuse to dry my hair or iron my clothes. Hey, I can’t change the bohemian in me but just have to figure out how to make her look better. But I sure as hell can start taking a shower first thing, putting on fresh clothes that make me feel more attractive, start looking the way that I feel inside. And I do feel confident, desired, sexy. I would even go so far to say that I feel beautiful. Sometimes, not always, but I feel more beautiful than I have in my entire life. All in all, I’ve never been so comfortable in my own skin but somehow my skin looks like hell. It's time for a change.

So off I go this fine morning. I will start by taking a hot shower, putting on makeup somewhere other than in my car, make sure my clothes don’t smell of the night before and start my day. Maybe then I’ll feel a little more like conquering this hell hole of an apartment I’ve created. Damn, when did I become such a slob? So here’s to a better, more beautiful, more put together day. Feel like it’s gonna be a good one.